My world is falling apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know how to even begin to pick up these pieces and put them back together into something else. I'm supposed to be here, doing this.....so how is the Universe sending me back. I'm good at this. I'm not good at whatever that is. I'm numb and going into hiding for a while.

6 Days and Counting...

Christmas is 6 days away and I feel like I have so much to do to prepare for it, but really I'm pretty good to go. Matt's mom is coming down this year. All by herself. Which is wonderful. So I have to start the required cleaning for her visit. Normally I would want the house spic and span before a family visit but honestly, I just don't care that much. If you can't have an unkept house for family, who can you have it for. So I'll do the basics and of course make sure the guest room is comfortable. Other than that, I have a toddler so the house is just never going to be prestine. 

I also feel badly that my house isn't decorated for the holidays. MIL always decorates so nicely for things and all I've got done is a tree and wreath on the door. I started to put some things out but nothing is beyond reach of Logan. Most of my decorations for the holidays are from Gramme and are therefore not at all replaceable and I'm not willing to part with them. So they will stay in storage for the next few years until Logan can be trusted with them. Hopefully she won't hold it against me.

*USMC*EODWIFE

Where did you go? What happened? We're worried sick!! And yes I realize the level of sadness and how way too attached our group is to one another that I've had to resort to sending you an SOS via blog and then posting it on Pinterest :) email me e.e.oneill07@gmail

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. We have no plans. Not a single thing. Even did the grocery shopping already so don't even have to worry about that. We may go do Logan's Christmas card photo shoot tomorrow. But I honestly haven't gotten in touch with our friend who's doing them so I don't know what his plans are.

I ordered the last of Logan's gifts today. Now I need to get the grandparents. But I'll have those sent directly to them so it can wait. I want to gather more pictures to stuff their photo books full of anyway.

Matt went to bed early tonight and he's on Logan patrol in the morning so I'm sitting up here watching Say Yes to the Dress. How awful is that?! LOL. Talk about a guilty pleasure. I was working on Logan's stocking....but that lasted an hour or so and I was done. I'm working on the detailing and I don't absolutely hate it. Its meticulous and time consuming. I feel like I work on something forever and all I have to show for it is some facial features. At least at the end when you sew everything all together you feel accomplished. Even getting to the point of sewing on sequins would excite me. I'll finish this minutia in the morning and hopefully move on to the more fun stuff.

I'm ready for bed. Hopefully Matt doesn't mind me turning on the light and reading a little before I crash out lol

Bye Bye Baby

Matt is going TDY in just a few hours and I haven't been this excited to have the house to myself in a loooong time. I always enjoy my night or two of quiet but after the long week and having sooo many people here on Thanksgiving...I'm ready for solitude. The house is finally all cleaned up. The fridge is devoid of tin foil wrapped things and tupperware containers. In fact tonight I'm making nachos for dinner. Just because I can.

I got the tree up yesterday. Matt drug it in from the garage and I managed to get it up and strung with lights before Logan got up from his nap yesterday. Quite the feat considering I left the tree is a disasterous mess when I put it away last year. I think I'll put the ornaments on tonight after Logan goes to bed. It is going to take a little more effort since I need to strategically place certain ornaments that can't be replaced if Logan got a hold of them.

In fact I think I'll decorate the tree with hot cocoa and an encore of Miracle on 34th Street tonight :)

If....

I've seen a few fellow bloggers do this and since I don't have much in my head bursting to get out, I thought I'd do this.

If you could live anywhere in the US....

Growing up, I hated where I lived. I grew up and lived in Seattle until I was 15. I then moved to Tacoma, another city about an hour south of Seattle. I wanted to move away when I got out of school. Not necessarily because I didn't like it, but more because it was blah to me. It was stale. Stale in the way that something you've known an experienced your life can become stale. I had no positive or negative feelings towards it, I was indifferent. Then I moved away. You know, its funny. When Matt and I started dating he always talked about being home and how you don't appreciate how fantastic this place was until you lived somewhere else. There is a spot on I-5 when you are driving north, and just as you pass Boeing field up come up a hill and at the top of that hill is a curve in the road. When you make that curve its the first sight you catch of the downtown Seattle skyline. He would always get so excited just to see it. Like it was his sign he was home. I always made fun of him and how its not that great and I would love to live somewhere else, just to experience something different. Now that I'm doing just that, I miss home terribly. It is the best place in the world, for me. The weather, the mountains, the water, the smell, the people. And of course both our families are there and now, with Logan, it will be nice when he can get to know his family the way I know his family. And on a daily basis. So for me, the answer will always be Seattle.

If you could have any talent in the world.....

I really wish I could dance. I'm not just bad, I'm horrible. I am a white girl trying to find a rythym and its not even in the same zip code as me. I love to dance. I grew up at the height of the teen/bubble gum pop craze. Boy bands and Britney Spears and cheorgraphed dance videos. I remember my best friend and I studying those videos and performances for hours and learning the dances. I don't know why exactly other than we thought it was cool to dance along with them. So I wish I was a better dancer. I don't need to be great, but not embarrassing would be nice.

If you met me in real life.......

You would probably think I'm a bitch. I tend to be very quiet and reserved when first meeting people an it makes me come off as snarky or rude. I also as a general rule don't like people. And I wouldn't say that I dislike everyone upon meeting them, I would say that I am indifferent to people until they give me a reason to like them. I am also extremely sarcastic and flippant. Its my comfort zone and where I live. You would decide rather quickly whether you love me or hate me. I don't find many people that are in the middle when it comes to their opinion of me.

If money were not an object.....

I would travel everywhere. There are a million places I want to go and things I want to see but probably Europe and mostly Paris. I would bum around Paris and just exsist.

If I could meet one celebrity......

I don't know if he qualifies as a celebrity, but he's certainly famous and known the world over, so I think he counts. Bill Clinton. I love Bill Clinton. I think he is one of the smartest people on the planet and the way he's utilitzing his time after his presidency is amazing to me. I've always said my dream is to sit down and play a game of chess with him. One because I'm pretty good at it, also because it can last hours and would give me a chance to talk to him and pick his brain about everything I could imagine.

If you could shop one store for the rest of your life.....

I wish I had a different answer for this, but its Walmart. I've never walked into a Walmart to get something and them not have it. I would just have to have my own personal Walmart that "normal Walmart folk" didn't know existed and couldn't get to. Though, isn't that part of the experience of Walmart???

If you could choose one animal/pet.......

As uncool as this answer is, it would still be my dog. He's my Boo Boo and he truly belongs with us.

If I could go on a trip right now....

I would go home. Its the holiday season and that always makes me miss friends and family. I also have this irrational fear that my family won't do holidays the "right" way when I'm gone. Like I've been intrusted with the way my Great Grandmother always did them and how I grew up and if I'm not there to make sure it stays the same, it will be messed up. That was always my favorite time of year and some of my best memories growing up so I insist on things being just so.

If you had to choose between a house cleaner or a personal chef.....

Yeah no brainer. Totally a house cleaner. I enjoy cooking. It de-stress' me. If I could get away with not cleaning again as long as I live I would give just about anything.

Broken

This is how I feel lately...I don't know why. I need........something.

Bleh

Ugh. I just feel bleh today. I hate feeling this way because I can't pin point why I feel bleh. I just know that I do. Matt is set to sign all his paperwork tomorrow and for some reason I feel like something is going to happen to muck it all up. I'm sure its just anxiety. I've been waiting for this for the last year and now that its finally here, I kind of can't believe it. Its like I don't know how to do anything else but stress about it. Think of all the free brain space I'm going to have when this is outta there! I can't wait.

Matt said he is going to do it first thing in the morning but I'm trying to talk him into doing it a little later so that Logan and I can come. I was at his last one. Its really not a big deal. He swears in and then signs a piece of paper. Gets a folder and a picture and done. I know its not a "thing" but to me it kind of is. Its for 10 years, which is not a small amount of time. It puts me at almost 40 when its up. Oh My God. I didn't realize that until I typed it....and looking at it freaks me out. And yes, Logan is 16 months old and has no idea what is going on but I think he should be there. I would like to have a picture of Matt holding Logan at his re-enlistment. I think his mom would get a kick out of it too. But we'll see how it goes.

Its supposed to cool down about 20 degrees tonight and for the next few days. There is even a slight chance of rain later today. I really truly hate the sun. I don't enjoy happy, frilly things. I just don't. I belong in the grey and gloom. It calms me. It settles me. 300 days of sun and 75+ degree weather is not making for a happy me.

Which reminds me, I told Matt this morning about my therapy session on Friday. He kind of didn't say anything. We've talked about me wanting to start therapy before when I first contacted MOS about getting referred. It really makes me mad because he takes everything so effing personally. He assumes that because I want to go to therapy that I'm miserable, hate my life, hate him and he's a horrible husband, father and person. No matter how many times I tell him that's not it, he just doesn't compute. This is about ME. No one else. Just me. So I know that's what was rolling through his brain when I told him I was going. But I guess I'll take pleasure in the fact that at least this time he was decent enough not to say it and keep it inside his head. I'm sure he'll want to have some grand discussion about it when I get home and I don't know how I'll feel about that yet.

MOS

So today I was finally able to track down someone with a brain at MOS and get some counseling sessions set up. My first appointment is on Friday. Which seems strange because its Veteran's Day but fine. It actually works out well for me because Matt has the day off. My appointment is in the evening so I'll be around to get Logan fed dinner and in pj's then Matt can put him down and I can come home to quiet and just process which I think is probably a good thing.

I haven't told Matt yet though.

My entire family has a history of depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with depression myself shortly after starting college and moving out on my own. It took a few years to find a med that worked for me. When I got pregnant, I had to go off my meds. Which was an adjustment for a while. But after I had Logan and my hormones stopped being crazy and everything balanced out again, I didn't want to go back on the meds. I didn't realize how just how much they effect me until I didn't have them in my system anymore. I really thing that being pregnant and giving birth normalized my body chemistry a lot after all was said and done. I wouldn't classify myself as depressed anymore per se.

But I do have stress management issues. I tend to get frazzled over the silliest of things. And I just completely shut down when I get overwhelmed. There is no talking to me. I just ignore you. And if I do acknowledge you, I snap. I can be very mean. Its not something I'm proud of but its true. And that is a trait I don't like and would like to do something about. Of course I went to my dr to get referred for a therapist and he tried to throw pills at me. Why take the time to figure out and cope with something when you can just take a pill and cover it up? What they don't tell you is that it covers up other parts of you too. I don't want to take meds. I don't want to put things into my body that aren't there naturally if I can help it. So I called MOS and thought hey we'll give this a try.

Like I said, my first appointment is on Friday night so we'll see how it goes. I'll post after and let you all know.

Weekend Update

Today is Sunday. I was really hoping to have a bit of a lazy day with the family, especially since Matt is leaving tomorrow for Florida for a few days, but as I got up this morning and looked around, there is a lot of housework to be done. So it looks like I'll be tackling that for at least a while today. Also I need to remember to move all the clocks in the house back an hour. I didn't do it last night and every time I look at the clock this morning I have that "huh?....how is it already......oh wait....." and think I'll change that when I'm done. Of course I forget by the time I'm done and move on to the next thing.

This morning Logan insisted eating his eggs with a fork all by himself. It was a little messy but I'm amazed how well he did for hardly ever holding a fork. Around the time he turned a year old I started trying to implament utensil use. He was interested in nothing but playing with them. Especially the fork. I seriously worried he was going to take an eye out so I just thought it safer to keep them out of reach for a while. But I've noticed him watching us use them intently the last few days so I thought perhaps he's ready for them. Turns out he is. Tonight we're having chowder for dinner so we'll try a toddler spoon for a bit. I know this will be so messy but he has to learn right? The biggest lesson I've learned being a parent is that every kid is on their own time table. Don't force something because "its time". If they aren't interested in what you are trying to teach, it will never happen. But learn to pay attention so that when they do become interested and are "ready" you recognize it.

Yesterday Matt spent much of the day helping out remodeling homes for battered women. He said it was awful. The houses were so gross and practically falling down and in the worst neighborhood. Literally a guy walked up to them (a lot of the shop was there) and said "You guys are doing good works. God is proud of you. I've got Crack for everybody!!".....Apparently the 1st Sgt. moved him along rather easily but still, that makes for an interesting story I guess.

Today I'm going to make a Seafood Chowder recipe that I was given by a family friend. I really hope it turns out because its the best thing I've eaten in a long time and Matt inhaled it. If it works out I'll post it here. I'm also going to need to get started on my Thanksgiving grocery list. I've started picking up the small things like broths and stuff. But a headcount is starting to come into view and I need to figure out how much of each thing I'll need. Then make the grocery list. I should really write these recipes down at some point. I'm the youngest to know all Gramme's recipes and they aren't written down anywhere...just in case.

New Normal

So Matt has chosen a new career path in the Army. He'll be switching to Electronic Warfare in the next year. He signs his paperwork on November 10th and then its just waiting for a school date and all the fun that comes with a LAT move and PCSing.

I'm relieved in many ways. I'm scared in a few. But mostly I feel heartbroken and I can't explain why.

With a job change comes the very real realization that deployments will once again become part of our "normal".

Funnily enough I'm not sad for me. I signed up for this. I get that and honestly, while deployments aren't the most fun thing, they can be a blessing if you allow them to be. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and it allows you to reconnect in a way that can get lost in the everyday routine of bills, kids and routine. While I would never choose to put my husband in danger or have him apart from me for such great lengths of time, I choose to see the positive and good in it rather than dwell on the crappy end of it. The opportunities to grow and learn within myself, the chance to prove to myself I am the strong independant woman I always wanted to be.

My heart breaks for Logan and Matt. I can't imagine being apart from Logan for so long. I can't imagine not seeing Logan jump up and run around yelling happily when Matt comes in the door at the end of the day. I can't imagine the fear for Matt to wonder and worry if his son will recognize him when he comes home. The thought must just be crushing. The confusion for Logan of not knowing where Daddy went or why. Or if he's coming back.

How do you remain strong and supportive when your heart is broken for your son and husband? This is not his normal. He doesn't know what it is to not have Daddy around. And Matt does not know what a deployment with a family at home is.

I guess its a new "normal". I don't like it. I hope it never feels too "normal".

TMI- B/C Vent

I woke up this morning with the worst cramps I've had in a while. This new bc they have me on is really messing with me. This is the first month I'm taking it and to say that I have every weird crazy ass side effect is putting it mildly. I've had migraines for weeks. I have one for 3-4 days at a time, then a day of relief, then its back again. Worse than the actual migraine though is the nausuea that comes with it. My boobs have been sore for over a week. I was seriously starting to get worried I was pregnant. Then I started the placebo week in my pack on Sunday and no period. I was in a constant state of panic. This morning I woke up and it was here. I've never been so excited to get my period! I've been on so many different bc pills that you would think when my cycle isn't exactly like clockwork the first couple months I would be used to it, but no. It always freaks me out everytime. I think because the first 2 times I was pregnant I got that way during the first month of a new birth control. So I don't totally trust them until I've been on them a while.

I think Matt is finally on board with the whole one kid family notion. He's starting to see the reasons why out weigh the ideal in his head of we're supposed to have 2.5 kids and a dog and live happily ever after. He's started talking about going to the urologist for the informational meeting on a vasectomy. Then I won't have to take this stupid birth control anymore. Although my dr will likely want me to keep taking it to help keep my medical issues at bay for the next couple years until I have a hysterectomy but I won't have panic attacks about becoming pregnant again.

I love Logan an unimaginable amount and he's such a quirky great kid. I'm content to quit while we're ahead lol.

Disney Love

10 days until my mama gets here!!!

Okay, just had to get that excitement out of the way. I'm honestly more excited about her coming than the fact that she's coming so we can all head to Disney World for a few days. But I'm SUPER excited about Disney too!!

I have a Disney obsession. I don't mean the way most people say they are obsessed with Disney. I mean full on own every single movie (literally if its a Disney production, I own it). I can name all animated movies in the order they were made. In French class in high school we had to pick french names to go buy during class. I chose Cendrillion (Cinderella in French). I collect Cinderella snow globes and crystal figurines. I mean I have a problem. I even went out and bought a $35 tiara to where while on this Disney trip because I am in fact, a pretty pretty princess.

It's actually quite sad when you write it out like that....oh well!

I'm not quite sure where or when this hobby (I like that word better than obsession. Looks better on paper lol) but I've had it since I can remember. I've been to Disney Land 4 times and went to Disney World in 2003. My mom said for my graduation she would take me on a week long trip anywhere in the country. And I picked Disney World lol! I haven't been back since. Matt went on a Disney Cruise with some friends when he got back from his first deployment in 2004 and part of the package was a day ticket at Disney World. So I don't really count that. They went to Epcot for a few hours because they have a Beer of the World thing and they never made it any farther than that.

Matt is also giving me crap about taking Logan when he's so young. No, he won't remember it but we will. We'll have great pictures and memories and he can do most things there so its not like he's going to get left behind. We'll have a great time!

Now I have 10 days to get this house in order. Not so much because my mom is coming, but because we have a house sitter for the dog while we're gone. I'm so unmotivated though. There is a clothing drive for the homeless teen shelter in town this weekend. I've managed to gather most of our clothes that we've outgrown together but beyond that, not much is getting done. I had hope to organize it all and perhaps inspiration will strike between now and then but I don't really seeing it happening.

New Blogs

I'm thinking of starting a new blog. And I think I've decided to go with a cooking theme. Not because I'm some great chef in the making. Nor do I have any insight better or smarter than the 3 million other cooking blogs out there. I just love to cook. For the most part. And I think I want to expand my culinary horizons a bit. Try out some things I've never done before and perfect some of the things I can manage, but not without some swearing and throwing things.

So stay tuned. I don't know what it will look like or what it will eventually end up being but this is where its starting.

I'm also going to start a blog in the coming months about school. I should start by the end of September and I don't want to weigh this one down with the technical jargon and rantings of a frustrated student.

Perhaps I'm biting off more than I can chew...

Dear Universe

I'm pretty much done now, ok? Whatever this cosmic lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this just isn't sinking in. So instead of continuing with the crap can we just call it a draw and move on!?

Is it that I need better communication skills? Thats true, but now you've got me so pissed off that I don't care to work on them so not much is going to change in that area anytime soon.

Is it that I need to be less emotional and more level headed? Sure, thats true too, but again, there's that pissed off thing that kind of gets in the way of any kind of emotional growth.

So lets just say I get the lessons and agree to disagree on the timing.

Alarm Clock

Well now I'm exhausted. Logan's been up a whole hour and I'm ready for bed again. I was woken up this morning by sirens blaring down my street at 0345. This is never ever good. The sirens got louder and louder and then stopped at the house next door to me. Then within the next 60 seconds 4 more MP's had parked stratigically all down the street and they began systematically knocking on every door. Matt spoke to them and they said they were looking for the parents of a 3 year old little boy. We don't have a 3 yr old boy on our street so as quickly as they arrived and knocked on everyone's doors, they left. Left not a trace like they had never been here in the first place. I was certain they would wake Logan up. Not a peep. I even went up to his room to check on him to make sure he was still breathing. Thats how quiet he was with 5 sirens blaring and pounding on the door right beneath his window. He was out. Didn't so much as flinch. Thank goodness. Needless to say, I was up. No going back to bed for me.

At first I thought it may have been about the people across the street. We have strong reason to believe that he has gone Unauthorized Absence (AWOL). The MP's do a search of the house every few hours and the other day they came and knocked on my door asking that if we see any activity to call them immediately. He also told me not to engage with them at all. Well you can imagine how that set my mind at ease. I mean, what if he comes back for his stuff or something and they corner him. I'll have a shoot out in my front yard. I was glad he's not on the loose somewhere around here and thats not who they were looking for, but I'm worried for that little boy whomever he is. Was he hurt? Did he manage to get out of the house in the middle of the night and they found him wandering scared somewhere? They only searched out street, didn't go down any others so I can only imagine that being 3 he only had part of his address memorized (or the people he was staying with) and thats all they could give them to find his parents. Ugh. I can't imagine getting that knock. Thinking your son is sleeping over a at a friends house or worse that he's snug in his own bed just down the hall, and then BAM! No thank you. I would just die.

We've had a few occasions with middle of the night police. The normal drunk domestic fights that they've had to break up ( I say normal, because it appears to be what a lot of the couples in this housing development like to spend their weekend nights) and of course the soldier that used to live across the street who killed himself. There were MP's here for days after that. Its always in the middle of the night.

So I have to finish getting the house cleaned, go to the grocery store and get some side dishes made for later and start marinating the chicken. Then maybe I can sneak in an hour nap or so. If Matt has finished his chores by then....Oh and I see the next door neighbors are having a yard sale....I should get dressed and do the same to Logan so we can wander down to say hello and see what they have going on....I'm such a yard sale whore.

Training Can Be Deadly

There was a helicopter crash here on Post the other day. The memorial service for the 2 pilots who died is today. They weren't based here and were actually from Ft Campbell, but they train very closely with the 75th down here all the time so they had many friends. One of them was actually from a small town not far from here. So they are doing a ceremony here for those who won't be able to attend the official ones at Campbell.

I had just talked to my mom the other day about my lack of love for helicopters. I dislike them. A lot. I'm not a huge fan of when Matt jumps but I literally have panic attacks when he jumps a chinook or huey. I can't watch them at all. I will never get into a helicopter. They just make me nervous. I remember Matt's last deployment, he spent the last 12 weeks or so as the CSM's driver. It was supposed to be a reward for being so awesome through the deployment. A little rest and a desk job in a/c for the last couple months. Matt absolutely hated it. He was bored out of his mind. Except when the CSM would visit different bases and camps around the area to see how things were going. He did this about once a month. Matt, being his driver (which is really his personal assistant) would have to go with him. Because these bases and camps were quite small they would have to take helicopters. No runways for big planes. Ugh. I hated when I'd get an email saying he'd be gone for a couple days so don't worry if I didn't hear from him. I knew that meant that he was going to be flying around in one.

There have been a few training related accidents around here the last couple months. We had the helicopter crash, a soldier was killed at the range, one died on a jump (another died just a couple days before at Bragg which was also a particular hit to our shop) and we had a heat stroke that was fatal on Post too.

You almost forget. I mean, when Matt is deployed he could die any minute of any day. Thats the mind set. You know it dangerous and its life and death. But when they are home, you forget about all that stuff. You completely take for granted the going to work in the morning and the coming home in time for dinner at night (most nights) But they are doing their job during the day just as they would out there. In more controlled settings I'll grant you, but you can only control so much when using real bullets and flying real helicopters. We forget that training to go do the dangerous stuff, is just as dangerous. I would lose my mind if Matt died in combat. But I can't even imagine the emotions I would have to deal with if he lost his life during a training excersise. The anger and confusion that must go with that would be insurmountable.

The whole reason this is on my mind is because yesterday Matt come home and told me he has a jump next Thursday. Why, I'm not sure because he just jumped before we went home in June and he's good until the end of the year. But for whatever reason they put him on the manifest. Then he tells me that he's jumping a T-11 parachute. My stomach churned.

These are the newest, latest and greatest parachute the Army has designed. And they suck and are horrible. Basically the Army sunk so much money into the design that they can't afford to scrap it and start all over again. Even though the Riggers all over the world are telling them they should. This is the one that killed the soldier at Bragg. The old parachutes take 4 seconds to open. So if you hit that and no chute, you know to pull the reserve which takes roughly 2 seconds to open. You have roughly 10 seconds from time out of the plane to ass on the ground. So you have 4 seconds of reaction time if your main doesn't open. The new T-11 takes 6 seconds to open but their reserves take 4 seconds. That gives you no time to react. Which is how the soldier at Bragg died. He knew his chute didn't open, he pulled his reserve but he knew it wouldn't be open in time. You can hear him say it on the malfunctions tape. I know because Matt had to watch it over a dozen times after it happened. They call it jumper error. Meaning that there was nothing wrong with the parachute or the way it was packed. That it was the slow reaction of the jumper that caused his death. How do you react quickly when you have an admitted 0 seconds to react?

Here at Benning they jump with a little more altitude because its the Airborne school. The students need to have a little extra time to react and learn to steer and it gives them a bit of a softer landing. So when he jumps on Thursday he'll have that extra 2-3 seconds he'll need if something goes wrong, but it terrifies me to think about it if we get moved to Bragg. Talk about crazy.

Why is the wine gone?

Today has not been a good day. In fact the last week has been horrible. I don't know what it is but it seems to be going around. Its not just me and selfish as it is, that actually makes me feel better.

Right now I have a hell of a headache, my wine is gone and my husband and I are fighting. Which is always nice. No one ever taught him how to argue. So when we argue and I tell him whats bothering me, he takes it really personal and starts to say the meanest things to me. Borderline vebally abusive. He doesn't mean it in a mean and nasty kind of way. He just wants to shut down the conversation as fast as he can and he knows thats the way to do it. He says something that he knows will hurt my feelings so I shut down and walk away. Then after a couple hours of me giving him the cold shoulder he acts extra nice and sappy to make up for it. But I'm getting really tired of the cycle.

First I wish he would just learn to say "I'm sorry." Thats the first step. I want him to acknowledge that he was wrong and that he knows what he did/said that was wrong. Not just "my wife's pissed at me so I should say sorry for whatever it is she thinks I did." No. I want you to say I'm sorry for.... That doesn't make me less mad about what happened but it doesn't completely piss me off further the way him acting as if nothing has happened does. I've told him this repeatedly but he just doesn't seem capable of saying those two words. In the 6 years we've been together I've heard them less than a handful of time.

He needs to learn to verbalize his feelings. Instead he turns 12 and acts like a moody teenager.

So I have a headache and want to go to bed, but he's up there sleeping because he has to go into work for a couple hours in the middle of the night tonight and honestly the thought of laying up there next to him makes me want to punch him in the face. Ugh. This is what I need on top of all my stress.

I'm sure it will only help my insomnia...

Insomnia

I really hate not being able to sleep. For the last week I've gotten no more than 3 hours sleep on any given night. And that is only 2 nights. Mostly I've slept about 90 minutes and then tossed and turned for an hour or two and then finally gave up and got up around 3am. Its amazing how much you can get done at 3 in the morning without a husband or a toddler getting in the way. The only things I can't do are vacuum and I'm pretty sure if I really wanted to I could do that. But I won't risk it with Logan.

The worst part about it is that it is stress induced insomnia. So no matter what pill I take, how much wine I have with dinner, its not going to away anytime soon.

I'm stressed about starting school again in the next couple weeks. Though I've been taking programs for the last year this one is different. Its craming 2 certifications into half the amount of time. PL (pre-Logan) this wouldn't have been a problem at all. I often took more than a full course load in school. But with Logan the idea of getting this done is just scaring the crap out of me. Its no secret that Matt isn't the most take charge person in the world and I'm really going to need him to step up with Logan so I can get my work done.

Money is also a stresser. Only because we have Disney coming up in a few weeks and we just had to spend all our savings plus part of his bday money to pay off Matt's government travel card because they effed us over. The Army is paying us most of it back but we both know there is no way its going to be paid before we go in September. I'm almost wishing that we weren't going.

I just don't know what to do to get some sleep. I'm not a very nice person when I'm tired and I have little to no patience. Something you have to have plenty of to live in my house lol. Guess I'll just roll with the flow and keep on trucking. It will figure itself out in the end.

Logan got his 12 month shots yesterday and he was doing so well, especially considering he got 5 of them. He was a little cranky the rest of the day but that was to be expected. He didn't really get much of a nap yesterday as his dr appt landed right in the middle of his afternoon nap time and I think the little bit of a cold he had left combined with no sleep knocked him for a loop.

He went to bed fairly early as I thought he would. I of course getting the opportunity to eat a quick dinner and go to bed early myself, couldn't sleep worth a crap. But he got up about 11 crying. I went in to check on him and he was burning up. Took his temp and it was 102.3 Which is not good but the pediatrition told me last time that I shouldn't take him in until it breaks 104. So I gave him some tylenol and sat up with him. He played a little but mostly laid on the living room floor and watched NickJr. At around midnight I took his temp again and it 103.8 clearly it wasn't going in the right direction. So I loaded him up and took him to the ER. They gave him something and we had to wait to see if it helped. After 4 hours and a few temp checks and tricks his fever is back down to 101 and I was able to bring him home. Alternating between tylenol and ib profen every 4 hrs the rest of the day and lots of fluid and sleep. Hoping his fever is gone by the end of the morning but at the moment he doesn't seem interested in sleep. When we got home the dog went into happy to see us mode and that appears to have given fella his second wind. So I'm going to warm up a bottle and see if I can get him down so he can sleep. And so his mama can sleep too because I've been up all night and am exhausted. Hopefully Matts TDY jump will be canceled and he can head home this morning instead of tonight.

Visti Home

I started a whole long blog about my trip home. I actually wrote it all out and its just not necessary. To be honest a few things happened while we were home that Matt and I are still processing and to write it down now probably wouldn't be fair.

Suffice it to say:

*I enjoyed seeing my oldest and dearest friends

*I enjoyed what time I did spend with my family

*I had a wonderful time with my MIL and enjoyed every minute Logan and I spent with her

* I'm so thankful for Logan's party and the people who helped out, showed up and showered my little fella with love and adoration

* It was wonderful to be out of 100 degree weather for a while

* I really love home and while I'm thankful for the opportunities to live and experience other places all over the world, it will always be home and I can't wait to move back for good.

We've decided not to go home for Christmas. Not knowing when our next PCS will be is a huge factor. Hopefully it won't be too long after the first of the year and we'll for sure go home then. It was a nice visit, I'm glad I went and I'm glad we were able to spend some time with everyone.

Working on an update about my trip home. However with toddler proofing the house and chasing this kid aroundits taking a while. I'll get it done though, I promise lol

Logan was up at 330 this morning. He wet himself and I had to get him changed into clean dry jammies and change the sheets in his crib. So by the time I had done all of that, he was up. No way he was going back to bed. So he was up until about 6, then I was able to get him back into bed. The whole morning I was just praying he would go back to bed so I could go back to bed. Of course now that he is back in bed....I'm wide awake. I laid down for 20 min to try to go back to sleep and there was just no way it was going to happen. You know that feeling of just not being able to get comfy no matter what you do? That was me. So here I sit, blogging at 630 in the morning and watching the season finale of Real Housewives of OC. Jealous of my sophistication are you?

I really should be making a list of everything I need to pack for my trip and a list of everything I need to get done. But I don't want to. Usually I'm packed and ready to go days ahead of time, but not this trip. I'm so not excited about it I can't even motivate myself to prepare for it. I'm ignoring it really at all costs. I know everyone is probably so sick of me talking about how much I don't want to go. And even a few people have told me to just not go if its that awful for me. Except that not going isn't really an option. If it was, I wouldn't be getting on a plane in 48hrs. My mom is graduating from Graduate Progam in Nursing from the University of Washington. A really big deal back home. Logan's first birthday is going to be a huge family affair. My in laws are beyond excited to see him and have all these plans and trips are on the itinerary. Plus my sister could probably use her older sister home right now. Not that I have any idea what the hell to say to her. Or how to help her deal with all of this. I don't even really know how I feel about it. I feel extreme pity but anger too. So I have to try very hard to not let my emotions or thoughts show. Just be as neutral as I can be. Which, for me, is very difficult. I'm not one to hide my feelings. Heaven forbid someone ask me. I'm really not that good of liar. How do I even begin to navigate my way around that?

So for now, I'm sitting on the couch at almost 7am, drinking coffee and have now moved on to watching Army Wives. And of course now I hear Logan stirring awake. Well.....ok then.

Bleh

My coffee is taking far too long to get done this morning.

I'm not in a very good mood today. I'm trying to turn it around before Matt gets up. If I don't our whole day is going to be pissy and frankly I'm too tired to deal with that right now.

Matt was supposed to get up with Fella this morning. My last chance to sleep in for the next few weeks. That didn't happen. He must have passed out while watching something last night because when we came down stairs this morning he was passed out on the couch. Then he went right upstairs to bed. Thanks. I keep telling myself I'm going to go take a nap when he does get up but even I know that won't happen. There are too many things I need to get done around here before I leave. I don't have time for a nap.

I really wish I married someone even remotely mechanical. He can't fix, build, or put anything together. I totally do all that stuff. My family is always telling me how great it is that I can do all that stuff. That I don't need a man around to do it for me. On the one hand, yes, it is great. I live a lifestyle that requires my husband be gone frequently so its beneficial that I am able to go into the tool box and get the job done. On the other hand, it gives Matt no motivation to do anything. He just tells me so I can go do it. I wish I knew how to do all that stuff but Matt didn't know it lol.

Also this is the 2nd day in a row I've gotten up and my phone has been messed with. matt's been texting with it. He hates his phone and needs a new one, but we are only a couple months away from our upgrades and he wants a super nice phone. That he is only going to destroy. So I refuse to pay for it right this moment when we can get it in just a couple months for almost next to nothing. So he's been using my phone to text back his soldiers and stuff. But then he erases all my text messages. Like I won't know he's been on it. It really irritates me for some reason. i think because I have my last phone still. It works perfectly fine, I just upgraded. I've told him to switch out the SIM and use it. "Its pink". Fine. I'll use it and you can use mine for the next couple months. "No. Thats dumb". Well than shut up about it! And stop using my phone!!

I'm really hoping this cold thing goes away before Wednesday. I really don't want to fly sick.

5 days until home

I am not looking forward to this trip home at all. I don't want to go. If it weren't for my in laws I honestly wouldn't be going. I would take the airline credit for my ticket and go on vacation somewhere else entirely. And I'm really upset that Matt isn't going to be coming home with me. Its great that he'll be meeting up with me there eventually, but 12 whole days of dealing with this catastrophe all alone....its not going to be pretty

Crazy will always be crazy

I really don't understand. Is there something wrong with me? Am I some crazy bitch who just doesn't know it? I would think that if I were that bad I wouldn't have the awesome friends that I do. I wouldn't probably have any friends at all. I wouldn't have a husband who adores me. I just don't get it.

Some of you may remember about 6 months ago a close friend of mine here seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. We had a conversation via email and she took something I said the wrong way and just stopped answering calls, texts, emails, deleted me from Facebook, the whole nine yards. I know that conversations via email there is no tone of voice, no afflection of the face so its easy to misconstrue something that is typed. So after a couple days I sent her an email saying I wasn't sure what had happened but that I was sorry if I offended her or made her upset in any way. But also that my feelings were hurt because she didn't speak to me about whatever it was. That I thought we were better friends than that and I certainly have no problem explaining myself or answering her if she comes to me with a problem. She emailed me back and we were fine. I had put on my Facebook page that I was hurt when a supposed friend just cut me off and didn't bother to come to me. The response was the same from many of my friends, wasn't the friend you thought she was, its fine you're better off without her and so on. Well I can only assume that she went back thru my Facebook page after we cleared the air and saw that posting from a few days before and dropped me again. Again with no word at all. So at that point I called it good and walked away.

That was in January. Now for some reason this girl has been in my head for the last couple weeks. I don't know why the universe put her in my head but it did. On Wednesday last week I found out. Matt came home and told me that her husband was the NCO who had been picked to go to Honduras for 6 months, leaving in July. Matt had been up for this trip for a while but was told he was too big of an asset to the shop to send. So they were going to send someone else from another section of the unit. I was not at all surprised when he told me that her husband had been picked because he is extremely reliable, a hard worker and very trustworthy. Also he and a senior NCO have been having some personality conflicts and getting them away from eachother was a priority. So after a couple days of thinking about it, I decided to reach out an olive branch to the girl. I figured this was why the universe had popped her into my brain. I know she doesn't have many friends here, she lives off post about 40 minutes so she isn't really connected to the community either. Also I figured she wouldn't be moving back home to Arkansas because she avoided even going home on leave. Her family and her in laws are not the greatest. I just thought it couldn't hurt to have another person available to help if she needed anything. I know 6 months is a long time to be apart from your spouse even if they aren't going into a war zone. She also has a 3 year old son so it never hurts to add to your support system.

Last Friday I sat down and wrote her an email. I just told her that I wasn't sure what had happened between us but that I was sorry for it and I wasn't interested it drudging it back up or talking about it. I just wanted to clear the air and let her know that I missed her friendship and was willing to start off fresh and anew if she was too. If not, that was fine too but that life on my end was calm and going fairly well and I hoped the same was true for her and her family. I got no response. Ok, guess thats my answer.

Then on Sunday or Monday morning I recieved a friend request from her on Facebook. I accepted. There was no direct interaction between us after that. Just friends on Facebook.

Yesterday I was having an epic battle with Tmobile. I got my email that my bill was ready to view so I went and looked at it. Normally a bill around $100 was suddenly over $200. It was listed as data charges. Matt and I don't have smart phones. No internet, no email, nothing. So I went and looked at our individual phone statments for downloading charges or something and nada. The only place these data charges were is in the final line of the bill. So I called Tmobile and spoke to them. They said they would look into it and call back within a couple hours. By the end of the day I still hadn't heard from them so I called back. This is of course after Matt got home and I filled him in on the billing issue. When I called Tmobile back I was given the good old transfer to 5 different people in 5 different departments. Nothing was accomplished. They are going to get back to me by the end of the week. Our bill isn't due for a couple more weeks so as long as it is fixed by then its fine. I really don't care. Matt however is furious. If I didn't pay attention to it or he had paid the bill it would have just been paid including the overcharge. He has no idea what the phone bill usually is and the bill is an automatic payment from our account so if I hadn't checked on it and stopped the auto pay, we would have just overpaid. He told me to file a complaint with them. I don't care enough to spend the energy and time to do that. They'll fix it and I'm not paying it so its not that big of a deal. Matt thinks it is. And he got me a little heated about it too after we discussed it further.

So I put a status on my Facebook: "Do I remain pissed in silence or do I say something. I don't really care enough to put forth the effort, but I feel like not saying anything makes them think they won." One of my friends asked who was in trouble and I responded that no one was in trouble. I just seriously dislike being dismissed and ignoring me won't make me go away. Then all hell broke loose.

This woman apparently assumed that I was talking about her or to her indirectly and commented "OMG!!! I knew it!!! What were you just being nosy trying to find out what I've been up to the last few months when you messaged me? Ignoring you may not make you go away but deleting and blocking you sure will. Grow up and get a life!!!".........HUH?

This remained on my page for over an hour until I saw it and promptly removed it. I was so embarassed that she would put something like that on there. Not everyone knows my history with this chick so I can only imagine what they thought when they saw that. My comfort came in the form of my friends who came riding to my rescue. Most of them calling her out on the inappropriateness of her comment and her ego level if she thinks something like that is directed towards her. Someone even asked her what she had done to feel so guilty about to cause her to be so defensive. Even after I removed it and simply stated that crazy will always be crazy, friends who hadn't seen the display and had no idea what was going on messaged me to ask if it was said girl being weird again. I love my friends.

I was sick for hours. I literally felt like I was going to be sick. I had to talk to Matt about it (and if you know Matt at all, he detests drama like this. He likes his life as simple as possible and wants nothing to do with it) in case her husband confronted him about it at work. I was also embarassed to tell him. I didn't want him thinking I went out of my way to start something with this woman. He of course knew I was just trying to be nice and said I just had a really big crazy attractor. He said if her husband approached him he would just explain she was talking about our phone company and if your wife took it different we were sorry but that wasn't his problem and he didn't want to be involved in it.

I just don't get it. Why would I go out of my way to apologize (again!) only to do something like this to her. One thing I have never been accused of is not being direct. I would never say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to them. If I was talking about her I certainly would have made it clear by putting her name or something. Why would I take the time to get her back on my Facebook page just to be passive aggressive about something. Don't you think I would want to make sure she saw it and knew it was about her??? Wouldn't I have just sent her a bitch email in the first place and not a nice one. Why set myself up for disaster if I wasn't genuine??

Then this morning I saw that she had unblocked me again. So I promptly got rid of her and blocked her on my end. As well as any friends she has here. I don't want to have any direct line to me at all. I guess I should have just stayed the bitch. I'll know better next time I guess.

The results are in

Looks like I have endomitriosis. I remember when I was around 17 my dr telling me that she thought I had some signs of it but couldn't be sure. I never had any issues so I forgot all about it.

I went to the GYN this week to get the results of my ultrasound and she told me that I indeed have it. The cysts on my ovaries are benign and nothing to worry about. The will eventually disolve. The problem is that as they disolve, reappear and then disolve again they are going to build scar tissue. And there is already a small amount of scar tissue in my uterus. Awesome. The dr seems to think that I had a minimal case before pregnancy, which would explain why it took 8 months to get pregnant with Logan even with all the charting and temping I was doing. But the hormones of pregnancy and post baby sent it into overdrive.

So she changed my bc pill to slow the progress. Apparently the pill I've been on since I was 16 is a tri-phasic and that is bad because its a different hormone level every week. Wacky hormones are bad. So she put me on a mono-phasic so I just have 1 hormone level all the time and that should slow it down. If we want another kid it needs to be sooner rather than later and I will likely need a hysterectomy by the age of 30. We're both pretty bummed about it. I don't want anymore kids at this point but Matt does. And neither of us are at all happy about the option being taken out of our hands. But we both agree that this is not a good time for another child at all. And we don't want to have one now just cuz we may not be able to later. Thats not smart or fair.

So for now Logan continues to be the center of our world.

I think I might have a few minutes to catch up on the blogging. Not that I really have much to blog about. Life is pretty routine and boring around here.

School sucks. Not in a difficult way, its actually pretty easy. Lots of reading and question answering. Which is why it sucks. At this point it isn't challenging me and is sooooo boring. Which in a way is probably a blessing because I don't really have time for anything that challenges me. I need things to be as simple as possible in life right now. Except I hate that. I've never ever liked things to be really easy. Challenge is the way you grow as a person and get to know the real you. If you never have to face a challenge you are never faced with having to be honest with yourself.

I think I have seasonal depression. Except backwards. Sun makes me sad. I hate it. I love rain. The sound, the cold, the smell. I love to walk in the rain. I live in the absolute wrong part of the country. We have 8 months of sun (and humid heat to boot) and the rainy season just happens to include the threat of sever tornados....so either way is not the best situation. I'm going home in about 3 weeks and I'm desperately hoping the constant rain they have continues after I get there. My luck the 3 weeks of summer they get a year will come early.

Ah my trip home. Can I tell you how much I am rapidly becoming more and more distressed about it. To the point that I really am not looking forward to it. At. All. First there are the irrational fears. If I see one more freaking story on the news about crazy people trying to pry the airplane doors open mid flight or the Air Traffic Controllers who fall asleep in the middle of their damn shift I am going to scream and swear off flying for the rest of my life. I do not need the vision of my son getting sucked out of a plane dancing through my head as I wait to board. The last time I flew with him I wasn't worried at all. So why does it bother me so much this time? Who knows. Motherhood is a constant evolution. Things that didn't bother me 6 months ago scare the crap out of me now. Things that I would have been 100% against as a parent 3 months ago are things I swear by now so maybe by the time I actually get on the damn plane I think its the greatest trip of a lifetime.

Now for the rational reason: I think my parents (mom and stepdad) are headed for divorce. And its going to come to head right about the time I come home. Great. Just how I wanted to spend my trip home. Family drama. They don't fight in a yelling and screaming kind of way. That would be easy to avoid. They fight without fighting. My mom says exactly what she's thinking, usually without tact or concern for his feelings, and then he gets pissy. Its that heaviness thats in the air when people are like that I can't stand. You feel nothing but gross tenseness. Ugh. What makes it worse is that my mom and I are best friends. So when she's mad at him about something she calls me. I know every detail of their relationship on a day to day basis and I don't like it. I am a firm believer in not discussing relationship issues with family. Sure I tell my mom when Matt does something dumb (like when he didn't talk to me for hours because he slept until after the hair cut place closed. And thought common sense meant that I should wake him up before they closed, even though I have no idea when they close. And I thought common sense was that he would set an alarm if he knew he needed to be up at a certain time....but whatever) but I would never tell her about something that was really an issue. Because then she knows all the details (and inevitably tells the rest of the family) and then after Matt and I work it out she still holds a grudge. Thats the way families work. You tell them the bad and they keep tally. I don't need that from them. Even worse is that Dave and I actually get along and have built a pretty good relationship and bond. So now what happens when they split up? Am I not supposed to talk to him anymore? Does he not get to be involved in my kid's life ever again? Its just too complicated.

Dear You- Another infamous rant

Dear "Friend"- Am I the only person who thinks its funny that you constantly say how much you hate drama but you are probably the biggest creator of drama I've ever met in my life? No one is ever really mad at you but you sure know how to run around behind everyone else's back to get one "friend" mad at another. How is it possible that we live across the country from eachother and your still talking to people about me trying to start shit? Your pathetic.

Dear Newly Engaged- You are a dumbass. You can't manage to stay together for more than 3 weeks at a time and now its your brilliant plan to get married?? Well if this wedding ever actually happens you deserve what you get. Just please for the love of all you consider holy DO NOT GET KNOCKED UP!!!! What a horrible situation to bring a child into.

Dear Getting Divorced- I know your hurting. I know your heartbroken. But it is so for the best. You've been through such a fight just to make your life your own and she has done nothing but suck the life out of you. She's a leech. You deserve better and will find it. Know how amazing you are and how beneath you she really is.

Dear Former Friend- What is the deal with you? You used to be normal. All I know is that I'm getting while the getting is still good. I don't want to be anywhere near you when this all hits the fan.

Dear Oldest Friend- I don't know what to do with you. We both know where this is going to end. I can't understand why you can't just walk away. Well, yes I can. But the sooner the better or that little ball of love is going to begin to get scuffed and scarred. She's a liar because she's 12. She's never been a grown up on her own and your more her father than her husband. I know how much you hate to fail but you can't make something work when only one of you is willing to work on it.

Dear Old Friend- I really wish we talked more. I don't know why we don't. I miss your funny take on everything and you really do know me better than anyone else. The only thing that comforts me is that even if we didn't speak for a decade we'd be there in a moment if one needed the other.

Dear Soldier- WTF?? How smart is it to go home to finalize getting custody of your siblings and while your there do drugs only to get busted when you get back???!!! Now you have 2 pre-teens to raise with nothing to offer them. I really hope this causes a serious wake up call for you.

Dear Girlfriend- First impressions last a long time with me. You rubbed me the wrong way but you make him happy so I'm willing to give you another shot. I hope for your sake we can find better footing or I can make your life miserable.

Dear Love- Sometimes I forget that I chose this. Please try to find nicer ways of reminding me of it.

Dear Shop Gnome-Do you ever wish you could rewind time for just a day? I really wish I could talk without caring what you think. It would make me feel better. But there's nothing either of us can do to change it and really it would just make me feel worse before I felt better so I'll keep my mouth shut.

Happy Easter Everyone

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter in the midst of the prep I'm doing here. We're having some of the guys from the barracks over so I'm busy busy!

The Great Debate

How many kids is the right amount? Don't ask us.

Matt and I have always agreed that we both wanted 2 kids. It was something we talked about early and often. We also agreed that we wanted our kids to be roughly 2-3 years apart in age. The only thing we ever disagreed on was the genders. He's always wanted 1 of each and I refuse to have anything other than boys. I am not built to raise girls. Period.

But things have changed and Matt and I are on different pages as far as another child is concened. He absolutely wants another according to plan, I am 99% sure that I absolutely don't. I've given him my list of reasons and he says none of them justify raising an only child and has a list of his own reasons why we should. I'll share these lists with you so you can see where we stand.

My List of Why Nots:

* I hated being pregnant. With a passion.

* I had complications with the last pregnancy and will likely have more severe complications with future pregnancies

* I didn't adjust well to mommyhood the first several months and Logan is a very very well behaved happy baby. The next one will not be.

* Affording a second baby would take some serious budgeting and take away from the things we are able to do as a family as well as things both Logan and Baby#2 are able to participate in down the line.

* I really really really don't want to have a girl (I know this sounds like a totally vain and silly reason but I myself)

* Matt is of very little help in the day to day care of Logan. He doesn't do diapers or feeding. He doesn't even know how to put the carseat in/out of the car or strap Logan into it. Seriously. He can play with him like a champion but other than that, not so much.

His reasons we should:

* Logan will be spoiled as an only child

* Logan will grow up lonely and isolated

* He really wants a girl

* Logan should have family even after we're gone

If he has more reasons that those he's never shared them with me. These are the only things he tells me over and over again.

At least we can both agree that this is not the proper time to begin trying to have another one. Matt needs to re-enlist and get through his training for the new job not to mention getting his new assignment and us getting moved. So we've got at least another year to argue about it. But I know as soon as we get settled into the new place this coversation is going to begin again.

The interesting thing is that we actually both agree that if we were to add to our family we both would prefer to adoopt. Which also brings up its on dilemma's because it is so expensive and getting an adoption to go through for a military family is exceedingly difficult. So I've asked him if he would consider getting a vasectomy and he plans on it. Just not for another couple years. I honestly think that he is hoping that he accidently knocks me up LOL!!

Its something obviously we'll be discussing for the next few years.

PTSD boundaries

This has been on my mind for a while. And I will fully admit that I may talking out of my ass on this topic. I've been incredibly lucky that even given all the horrific crap Matt has seen over his deployments he doesn't suffer from PTSD.

Where do you draw the line between loyalty to your husband/his career and the safety of those he works with?

It seems to irrational to me that I would know Matt suffers from PTSD and I would knowingly send him off to war.

First of all, its absolutely counter productive to the soldier with PTSD. How is continually sending them into the situation that caused the problem in the first place going to help that problem?

Secondly it seems so unsafe for the people working with and around the affected soldier. How many times do you hear people tell you not to worry the soldier with the little things going wrong at home? That they need their head to be 110% in the game while they are gone. Well isn't a mental illness by definition not 100% in control? I don't care how much someone tells me that it doesn't effect the way they do their job, it does on some level. And I have to tell you if someone caused my husband to get injured and people knew about an illness or disorder and didn't say anything about it, I'd be beyond words. They are just as responsible for his injuries.

Also if something were to happen and Matt came home with PTSD who says I have to be miserable because of it?

For better or worse. I get that. And I would never leave Matt if he came home with a physical injury. Lost limb, blind, paralysis whatever, we'll deal, overcome and move forward with life. I think of PTSD in the same light. Its not something I would ever leave Matt for, as long as he was willing to acknowledge it and work on it. I understand being understanding and working with the cards we are dealt. I would support him through it 150%. But if he chooses to ignore the problem thats where I draw the line. I don't have to live with a husband who is mean, de-tached, emotionally unavailable, using vices (ie alcohol, porn, excessive compulsions) to deal. And my kid certainly doesn't have to live with it.

I know why soldiers don't get help but at what point does personal responsibility come into play?

At what point do you say I love you and I support you but this is no longer your decision. You are a liability to the mission and you need help to get back to being an asset. We'll do it together but you have to be willing to work just as hard as I am.

Twitchy?

Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you can't put your finger on just what it might be?

For the last week I haven't gotten any sleep. I mean perhaps 90 minutes - 2 hours a night. I'm drowning in exhaustion. I've get into bed, I read my book (per usual) until my eyes get heavy and then I turn off the lights..........and nothing. I toss and turn. I can't seem to get comfortable, almost like I can feel my muscles contracting in protest of relaxation. Then my mind starts to race and I feel like I've forgotten something. I go over in my mind locking every door, turning on and off all the appropriate lights, checking the volume of the baby monitor. Then I physically get up and retrace my steps to make sure I actually did all the things I remember doing. Yep. I'm not crazy. Back to bed. Again my body won't ease. I know it isn't my bed. We just bought it less than a year ago and I went out and bought a super thick memory foam topper for it and its heaven. Like sleeping on a cloud.

The first night it happened it was extremely windy outside with thunderstorms rolling in and I knew it was supposed to be a pretty bad storm. Right before I went to bed we went under a tornado warning. As I lay in bed I could hear the wind gaining speed and could only think I hadn't cleaned out the closet downstairs that is our "tornado room" and the dog didn't have his collar on so how was I going to wrangle him with a kid in my arms. Then there was that feeling that something wasn't right. What I imagine it would feel like if you awoke in the darkness of your room and someone was there who shouldn't be. I actually called Matt at the shop to ask what time he thought he would be home because I knew I wasn't going to have any hope of sleep until he did. I have never called Matt at work. Not when his grandmother died, not when I was I was having a miscarriage, never. So I think he sensed I must have been really upset because he came home a little earlier than expected.

But even since then I can't seem to get in the groove of sleep. I just feel like this shoe somewhere out in the universe is about to drop on us. Nothing in our life is particularly stressful or strained. Just the everyday life of married couple with a baby. He is coming up on his re-enlistment and he is changing jobs and it leaves a lot of uncertainty in the somewhat near future, but thats military life. I accept it. I will go with the flow. Plan where I can and create plans B, C and D for the things I can't.

So why can't I sleep??

How invested are you?

I'm always telling Matt how evil technology is. I think it really robs people of living an actual life. Why go out and risk getting your heart hurt when you can hide behind a computer from the safety of your own living room? We're always talking about how technology has gone too far. We watched that Jeopardy special with the 2 best players in history playing against a computer. The idea that a machine can comprehend and think for itself really freaks me out. And honestly I wouldn't call a "Terminator" situation where machines turn on man out of the question.

Yet here I sit. Blogging. On the internet. I too have become sucked into the world of techy goodness. I have friends in real life. The really great ones are at home, but the ones here are tried and true as well. I have a social life that requires me to leave the house. Even when I most don't want to. But I also have internet friends. People I've never, and honestly 99% likely never will, lay on eyes on, share a cup of coffee with or have family dinners together. But at times I feel closer to this set of friends than any other.

Why?

And is that healthy?

I am a member of a military spouse forum. Have been now for about 3 years. Its given me an opportunity to get information I NEVER would have found on my own. Its given me a place to vent, cry and laugh about things. Its also caused me to become more affirmed of my views, morals and standards. Which has also led to more than one unnecessary headache. Nothing cements your views more than listening to someone of the complete opposite compus spout theirs let me tell you.

Anyway, I have a "friend" on this forum. In no other sense of the word than we post and reply to the same topics and questions on the forum and we are friends on Facebook. Thats it. We don't talk on the phone. I honestly don't know that I could tell you 100% for sure what part of the country she lives in without having to look it up first. The one thing I can tell you about her with certainty is that she wants to be a mother. And her and her husband have been having a great deal of difficulty achieving that goal in life. After a very long battle trying to concieve (which included mulitple mis-diagnosis of what the problem causing the difficulty in the first place was...gotta love these military docs :/ ) She informed us a few weeks ago she was pregnant. As I read those words on my computer screen I litterally yelped with joy out loud for her. To the point that Matt came into the room asking what I was so happy about. Because she is considered extremely high risk she went in for weekly ultrasounds. Every week I looked for her posting let me know there was a strong heart beat with us.

Then last week, a simple post letting me know that this week there was no heartbeat. My heart sank. How could this happen? After all it took to get that far....and then it was just a nevermind. I know that feeling of loss. I also know how it haunts you. The next pregnancy is a bit heavy with worry as you hope to just make it past the x week mark. Then everything will be ok and this is really real.

These thoughts are on my mind because today I open Facebook, and there under her name is pregnancy ticker announcing she is x weeks along and a brief discription of the babys development and growth. My first instict was to get rid of it for her. As if I could some how delete it from her profile from mine. Don't let her see it! Someone keep her busy until it falls far enough towards the bottom of the page that she won't notice!! But I can do nothing. I noticed about an hour later it was gone and I felt my eyes well. I knew she had seen it. I knew she had to feel the twinge of deleteing it from her own profile. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to offer an ear to listen or a hand to hold. But I don't know her.

Then a little later in the day I flip open to Blogger.

I am not the greatest blogger. Not for lack of trying. I can't tell you how many topics I have on here hanging in the air because I've started them and then never finished. Usually because my brain gets the better of me and I think faster than I can type and need to walk away to quiet the storm. Then I never come back to it because the moments passed. But I do make it a point to check in every couple days with the blogs I follow. Today was one of those days.

I'm scrolling through and everything is looking pretty par for the course in Blogland. Lots of people starting to enjoy the warmer weather, new love blossoming and such.

Then I see it.

I'm dead.

What?! Why would someone write that? So I open the blog. I read a page of intense pain. I read the story of a life ending.

What happened? Is she ok? Someone check on her! Call someone! Who do I call??

It appears as though she is fine and resting in capable care. But that doesn't stop me from worrying and wanting to check in. To tell her I've felt her pain before and it will end. It hurts. In blinding way. Thats why she can't see the light at the end of her tunnel. But its there. And it is growing closer.

So how much do you care? And how much is too much?

Swirly Brain

Do you ever have those days where your mind is racing a hundred miles and hour but you don't know what about?

My head is crazy busy right now but its like its thinking about so many things at once that I couldn't tell you what even one of them is.

So perhaps I'll just randomly update on things and see if that calms the storm in my brain enough that I can get some sleep tonight.

ANDERSON- My sister Jessica had her second baby today. A little boy named Anderson Shin, a moose baby weighing in at 9lbs and 3oz. I can't belive my baby isn't the baby of the family anymore. Nor is he the only boy. Really he quit being the baby about 3 weeks after he was born as Matt's step brother and his wife had their second daughter then. But Logan was the only boy on either side until today. Kind of bummed he doesn't have that title anymore.

LOGAN- is exhausting. He's climbing on everything, assisted walking and speed crawling when he wants something he knows he isn't supposed to have. Its funny to see him because he totally registers the word "no" and absolutely knows what it means when I say it to him. That doesn't stop the wheels from turning in his little head though, and you can actually see him trying to work out how and if he can get what he isn't supposed to have without me noticing or caring. He "talks" all the time. I just know that first word is in there dying to come out. Though it will be the most hated word ever when it arrives because its all that will be said over and over and over again.

MATT- Still working nights. I truly cannot begin to describe how much I hate this shift he's on. He doesn't go to work until 5 pm. Then he's home roughly by 2 and since he can't go straight to sleep he's up watching tv or playing video games and generally unwinding until 5am. Which happens to be about the same time Logan gets up every morning. So I still have to get up at 5am, spend the day with Logan (trying to keep him relatively quiet) while Matt sleeps and then get him down into bed all alone. It really is like Matt isn't here anymore. Other than I still have dirty ACU's that need to be washed and a bathroom that is a constant disaster zone. June cannot come fast enough for me.

ME- School starts for me again in the next couple weeks which sounds like about the worst idea ever. I'm in no way shape or form feeling mentally prepared to get back on the college train. I really think that my problem mostly is that I'm changing direction (yet again) and its almost like starting over for me. Instead of getting ready to apply to nursing programs in the fall, I'm essentially only a year into a 4 year program. Awesome. It needs to be done. Seriously. I'm just not feeling very motivated to do it. I'm hoping once I get back into the world of college (and adults!!!) I'll find that passion I have for it again quickly and easily.

The Airborne Ball is on Saturday. We've secured a sitter for the evening and I'm looking forward to a night out with the hubby. Its the first time we'll be living Logan with a sitter so I'm a little nervous and with the sever attachment issue he's having with me right now I'm just hoping he doesn't spend the entire time crying and screaming. I'm having her come over about an hour early though so Logan can spend time with her with me in sight while we get ready. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow which will be an experience considering I've never shopped for or bought a formal gown before so I really haven't a clue where to go.

Decorating...or lack thereof

I want to decorate my house. I'm tired of it looking boring and empty. There are a few reasons however that I strongly hestitate doing anything at all to this place beyond hanging a few picture frames.

The first is the obvious, I live in military housing. This poses a few big issues for me: This place has to look as bland and stark when I leave as it did upon my entering. That is a lot of work. The second is that I don't know how much longer I'll be here and I don't want to spend all this time and money on something that will be here for less than 6 months and then need to be erased. Also no housing from Post to Post is even remotely the same. So if I decorate for this big 4 bedroom 2 story house what do I do with all the stuff when we move into our 2 bedroom quadplex at the next PCS?

The next is simply I have no effing clue what I'm doing. And certainly no earthly idea how to do it on a budget of any kind. I'm not artistic in any sense of the word. I don't know what looks good with what. I don't know the difference between a flat paint and a semi-gloss. I can't do anything beyond basic sewing really and I don't have much going for me in carpentar skills beyond the basics either.

I think at this point this house is a lost cause. With Matt getting ready to head off to re-class training by the end of the year we probably won't be here much beyond that so why start now something that I probably won't finish by the time we leave. But I can start to gather some sort of idea of what I want in the next home we have. At least vague themes for bedrooms and such.

Selfish?

I get that I married a career military man. I get that in this time, in this world, in this reality, his job is more often than not to literally get shot at and try to avoid the bullets. And if he should happen to miscalculate and catch one, his job becomes to survive so that he can get back out there and start trying to dodge the next round of bullets.

With these air strikes in Libya today it makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person.

I understand what the "objective" of all these wars were fighting are, but I wonder why us? Why does the United States always have to be the police force of the world? Why is it my husband and my brother's job to get shot at to make what seems like little to no impact?

I am constantly hearing military wives talk about how proud they are of their military spouse. I so see that pride in myself. My husband is a fantastic soldier. But I feel like he would be fantastic at any job that he really put effort in to. I don't need the military to validate my pride in my husband. I don't need the military to be proud of my brother. I've been proud of him and knew he was destined for bigger and better for a long time. Even when he and others didn't. I can say I have added pride for a man who signs up for a job at a time when he knows it will put him in harms way even when he doesn't believe in the fight or the cause.

These same wives who speak of pride are also quick to say they understand what their husbands are fighting for and if the soldier died they would feel the swell of pride that comes with someone giving their life for their country. Except with Matt, he didn't sign up to fight a war. He went off to basic in August 2001. He signed a contract that was null and void a mere days later and he was now bound to a different contract. One that could now be written in his blood and would literally put him in the depths of hell.

So I wonder, am I horrible person that I wouldn't feel that pride? That pride won't be there to teach my son to ride a bike, shave or go to prom. I'd be more than angry. I don't think Matts life would be a sacrifice for the greater cause, or for the safety of America. I would think it was another stolen life. Just like the other stolen moms, dads, husbands and wives of this war.

Matt has since enlisted more than once and is planning to do so again in the next few weeks. So he now signs a blood contract knowingly and willingly, but it is a blood contract none the less.

But again I ask, am I the only one who thinks its not worth it? There will always be terrorism. Whether its foriegn or domestic. There will always be someone out there who thinks it would be a good idea to hurt other people. Just like there will always be people willing to pay for it. You can't get rid of it. How many people have to die before you understand that all you are doing is moving it from one country to another? Its like having an ant hill in your back yard, you can go out and pour Borax on it to destroy it, but the ants will simply build another in your neighbors yard. And when they pour the Borax on they move right back under the fence to your yard again.

I may be the most selfish person ever. I may be considered unpatriotic. Though to me, there is nothing more un-patriotic than surrendering the lives of the future of this country to a lost cause.

I want to know where to send my letters if Matt ever doesn't make it home one day. I will send these letters I have, so they know he was a person with thoughts and feelings and a family he had dreams for and not just a soldier on a conveyer belt meant to complete the "mission" at all costs. I will send these original letters, handwritten and covered in dirt. Stained and a bit musty from being carried around in an ACU jacket in 119 degree heat for a day or two. Or smelling faintly of his aftershave because he remembers how I cried when I told him that the pillow doesn't smell like him anymore. Would it make a difference, probably not. But dammit I want him acknowledged as the man he is to me, and not just a name on a casualty report. Even if for just a breif moment.

Finally was able to get our taxes done this morning. After the computer break down and then the MyPay account issue that Matt was having he was finally able to access his account last night so I could print out his W-2. We are getting about double what I thought we were going to get and about $2000 more than I was hoping for. Of course all of it is going towards the down payment on our new car that we will be running out and buying as soon as the money is deposited into our bank account lol. Now I need to get Matt to get rolling on getting the car we want financed through USAA as I think they are going to be the best place for an interest rate. Unfortunately combined Matt and I don't have the worlds greatest credit so to finance thru the dealership would kick our butt I think. This would be a direct result of Matt having no credit essentially since joining the Army and having no bills to pay and my stupid mistakes as a 20 year old with no idea how to balance a check book having not come off my credit report yet. So we are putting down as much as we can and hoping for the best.

I'm really hoping that Lindsey can get away to do a Sam's and Walmart run with me on Tuesday. I need to get out of the house and I'm really tired of spending all my time alone. Even when Matt's home he's either sleeping or ignoring the world laying on the couch commanding the remote. Apparently days off for him means doing absolutely nothing. Wonder when I get a day off. One of these days I'm going to just leave for a few hours and leave him with the baby and maybe he'll get an idea of what its like to actual be a parent. He doesn't even know how to buckle him into the high chair for goodness sake. Really looking forward to Dave coming down in a couple weeks.

The correct way to ask

I had to have a sit down with Matt today and tell him that I really need him to help pick up the slack on the house work around here. Logan is up by 6am everyday and by the time he goes to bed at 7 I'm knocked out. He takes 2 one hour long naps throughout the day and honestly I would much rather sit and be in the quiet during that time than spend it cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom. But since Matt doesn't do any housework around here I end up burning out by the end of the day or staying up way too late to finish it all. I just had to tell him that I'm drowning. As much as I would love to be the super woman who can do everything all the time, or even the martyr who can pretend that I'm able to do it all own my own but I just can't anymore. I've spent the last 7 months chasing my tail and I'm just over it. So I came to him from a place of I need help instead of a place of you don't help which is the place that I usually come at him from. And wouldn't you know it worked. He's offered to clean the kitchen every night before he goes to bed which I honestly have to say is a tremendous help. So I'm really hoping that it helps and we'll see where we go from here.

What is going on with me

I really feel lost at the moment. I need a friend and a break desperately and neither of those things are something I have or am going to get here.

People are always talking about the miltary being this wonderfully supportive community but it is such a load of crap. Everyone is out for themselves. Period end of story. The wives are all about how they can make their husbands look better to the chain of command and how to best get him ahead. Mostly because they have no lives of their own and exsist thru him and what he can accomplish. And lets face it the majority of the miltary is young. We're talking just out of high school young and a bunch of 19-21 yr old girls getting together is always going to be nothing but a drama fest. I'm just feeling so defeated. Its just not worth it to make friends around here. Which sucks because when I moved I took that as the opportunity to cut out a lot of friends back home that weren't really worth having in the first place. So now I have maybe 3 friends who are really the people I lean on when I need to and they are 3500 miles away. I've got no one here. Other than Matt and he works a billion hours a week. So whats the point.

I feel like I've come to a standstill with school. I wanted to start going back Spring quarter but at this point I really don't think thats going to be workable. We can't afford the daycare for me to go on campus full time. Even if I picked up a part time job I wouldn't make enough to cover daycare. And if I worked enough to cover the daycare cost I wouldn't have time for classes let alone homework. I really shouldn't do online classes because lets face it, as the only person to entertain Logan and keep the house running during the day there is absolutely no way I'll not get distracted and let school fall to the side. I know myself better than that. Then theres the night school approach. But with Matts retarded schedule he's never off at a normal time. One day he's off at 3 and the next he's working until 10 with no warning whatever. So thats off the table. I just hate that my whole entire life has to come to a standstill because of his career. I mean I get it. He's in the Army and when you join the Army your job is #1. I knew that and I understand it but dammit if it doesn't piss me off from time to time.

My marriage isnt' in the best place at the moment either. I'm not packing my bags or anything. We're just having a great deal of trouble with communication for some reason lately. He's been working so much lately that he really isn't around and I'm unhappy for the last couple weeks. He either doesn't care or is completely oblivious. Either way, I'm pissed at him for it. I'm mad at him for not caring or I'm mad at him for not noticing. But really if he isn't here, how do I expect him to notice. Especially when I don't tell him. We need to talk about it and get everything out on the table but with the stress around here I know its going to start out as a fight and really I'm just too emotionally exhausted to fight right now.

Labels

Why do we feel the need to put labels on people in our society? Everyone in our life has to have a position. Worse is that we feel the need to label ourselves more than anyone else. Christian, Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend, Teacher, Homemaker, Bus Driver. Whatever the labels might be.

Why do I have to have a label? Why do I have to have a "best" friend rather than just a friend? Why do I have to be a Christian or Jew or Buddhist rather than just a spiritual person?

I think labels put us in a box. And when you have a label put on you, you become afraid to venture outside of that box. You become comfortable in your little space in the box and become content to remain without ever experiencing the rest of life. How do you know that you are a "this" if you've never tried being a "that"?