New Normal

So Matt has chosen a new career path in the Army. He'll be switching to Electronic Warfare in the next year. He signs his paperwork on November 10th and then its just waiting for a school date and all the fun that comes with a LAT move and PCSing.

I'm relieved in many ways. I'm scared in a few. But mostly I feel heartbroken and I can't explain why.

With a job change comes the very real realization that deployments will once again become part of our "normal".

Funnily enough I'm not sad for me. I signed up for this. I get that and honestly, while deployments aren't the most fun thing, they can be a blessing if you allow them to be. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and it allows you to reconnect in a way that can get lost in the everyday routine of bills, kids and routine. While I would never choose to put my husband in danger or have him apart from me for such great lengths of time, I choose to see the positive and good in it rather than dwell on the crappy end of it. The opportunities to grow and learn within myself, the chance to prove to myself I am the strong independant woman I always wanted to be.

My heart breaks for Logan and Matt. I can't imagine being apart from Logan for so long. I can't imagine not seeing Logan jump up and run around yelling happily when Matt comes in the door at the end of the day. I can't imagine the fear for Matt to wonder and worry if his son will recognize him when he comes home. The thought must just be crushing. The confusion for Logan of not knowing where Daddy went or why. Or if he's coming back.

How do you remain strong and supportive when your heart is broken for your son and husband? This is not his normal. He doesn't know what it is to not have Daddy around. And Matt does not know what a deployment with a family at home is.

I guess its a new "normal". I don't like it. I hope it never feels too "normal".