Thursday, January 27, 2011

What is going on with me

I really feel lost at the moment. I need a friend and a break desperately and neither of those things are something I have or am going to get here.

People are always talking about the miltary being this wonderfully supportive community but it is such a load of crap. Everyone is out for themselves. Period end of story. The wives are all about how they can make their husbands look better to the chain of command and how to best get him ahead. Mostly because they have no lives of their own and exsist thru him and what he can accomplish. And lets face it the majority of the miltary is young. We're talking just out of high school young and a bunch of 19-21 yr old girls getting together is always going to be nothing but a drama fest. I'm just feeling so defeated. Its just not worth it to make friends around here. Which sucks because when I moved I took that as the opportunity to cut out a lot of friends back home that weren't really worth having in the first place. So now I have maybe 3 friends who are really the people I lean on when I need to and they are 3500 miles away. I've got no one here. Other than Matt and he works a billion hours a week. So whats the point.

I feel like I've come to a standstill with school. I wanted to start going back Spring quarter but at this point I really don't think thats going to be workable. We can't afford the daycare for me to go on campus full time. Even if I picked up a part time job I wouldn't make enough to cover daycare. And if I worked enough to cover the daycare cost I wouldn't have time for classes let alone homework. I really shouldn't do online classes because lets face it, as the only person to entertain Logan and keep the house running during the day there is absolutely no way I'll not get distracted and let school fall to the side. I know myself better than that. Then theres the night school approach. But with Matts retarded schedule he's never off at a normal time. One day he's off at 3 and the next he's working until 10 with no warning whatever. So thats off the table. I just hate that my whole entire life has to come to a standstill because of his career. I mean I get it. He's in the Army and when you join the Army your job is #1. I knew that and I understand it but dammit if it doesn't piss me off from time to time.

My marriage isnt' in the best place at the moment either. I'm not packing my bags or anything. We're just having a great deal of trouble with communication for some reason lately. He's been working so much lately that he really isn't around and I'm unhappy for the last couple weeks. He either doesn't care or is completely oblivious. Either way, I'm pissed at him for it. I'm mad at him for not caring or I'm mad at him for not noticing. But really if he isn't here, how do I expect him to notice. Especially when I don't tell him. We need to talk about it and get everything out on the table but with the stress around here I know its going to start out as a fight and really I'm just too emotionally exhausted to fight right now.

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