I get that I married a career military man. I get that in this time, in this world, in this reality, his job is more often than not to literally get shot at and try to avoid the bullets. And if he should happen to miscalculate and catch one, his job becomes to survive so that he can get back out there and start trying to dodge the next round of bullets.
With these air strikes in Libya today it makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person.
I understand what the "objective" of all these wars were fighting are, but I wonder why us? Why does the United States always have to be the police force of the world? Why is it my husband and my brother's job to get shot at to make what seems like little to no impact?
I am constantly hearing military wives talk about how proud they are of their military spouse. I so see that pride in myself. My husband is a fantastic soldier. But I feel like he would be fantastic at any job that he really put effort in to. I don't need the military to validate my pride in my husband. I don't need the military to be proud of my brother. I've been proud of him and knew he was destined for bigger and better for a long time. Even when he and others didn't. I can say I have added pride for a man who signs up for a job at a time when he knows it will put him in harms way even when he doesn't believe in the fight or the cause.
These same wives who speak of pride are also quick to say they understand what their husbands are fighting for and if the soldier died they would feel the swell of pride that comes with someone giving their life for their country. Except with Matt, he didn't sign up to fight a war. He went off to basic in August 2001. He signed a contract that was null and void a mere days later and he was now bound to a different contract. One that could now be written in his blood and would literally put him in the depths of hell.
So I wonder, am I horrible person that I wouldn't feel that pride? That pride won't be there to teach my son to ride a bike, shave or go to prom. I'd be more than angry. I don't think Matts life would be a sacrifice for the greater cause, or for the safety of America. I would think it was another stolen life. Just like the other stolen moms, dads, husbands and wives of this war.
Matt has since enlisted more than once and is planning to do so again in the next few weeks. So he now signs a blood contract knowingly and willingly, but it is a blood contract none the less.
But again I ask, am I the only one who thinks its not worth it? There will always be terrorism. Whether its foriegn or domestic. There will always be someone out there who thinks it would be a good idea to hurt other people. Just like there will always be people willing to pay for it. You can't get rid of it. How many people have to die before you understand that all you are doing is moving it from one country to another? Its like having an ant hill in your back yard, you can go out and pour Borax on it to destroy it, but the ants will simply build another in your neighbors yard. And when they pour the Borax on they move right back under the fence to your yard again.
I may be the most selfish person ever. I may be considered unpatriotic. Though to me, there is nothing more un-patriotic than surrendering the lives of the future of this country to a lost cause.
I want to know where to send my letters if Matt ever doesn't make it home one day. I will send these letters I have, so they know he was a person with thoughts and feelings and a family he had dreams for and not just a soldier on a conveyer belt meant to complete the "mission" at all costs. I will send these original letters, handwritten and covered in dirt. Stained and a bit musty from being carried around in an ACU jacket in 119 degree heat for a day or two. Or smelling faintly of his aftershave because he remembers how I cried when I told him that the pillow doesn't smell like him anymore. Would it make a difference, probably not. But dammit I want him acknowledged as the man he is to me, and not just a name on a casualty report. Even if for just a breif moment.
I don't think your selfish. My husband left for boot camp in May of '01 and graduated just two weeks before 9/11. I sometimes wonder if I could have stood and watched him swear in the first time if I'd known what was going to happen. Yes, I am proud of him. But like you I am proud of who he is and not what he does. Like you said the pride isn't going to be enough if the worst happens. Every time he reenlists I wonder if this is going to be the last time and if this is the contract that is going to turn my life and my kid's lives upside down.
ReplyDeleteMister and I discuss this sometimes, when I get fed up with hearing about how the U.S. is getting involved somewhere else or upset over someone else being KIA. All he says is that you can either fight or surrender, and he would give his life in order to keep his kids safe and free. And while I would have enlisted and fought before my kids , now I don't think I could. So, maybe I'm selfish too.