Saturday, January 29, 2011

The correct way to ask

I had to have a sit down with Matt today and tell him that I really need him to help pick up the slack on the house work around here. Logan is up by 6am everyday and by the time he goes to bed at 7 I'm knocked out. He takes 2 one hour long naps throughout the day and honestly I would much rather sit and be in the quiet during that time than spend it cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom. But since Matt doesn't do any housework around here I end up burning out by the end of the day or staying up way too late to finish it all. I just had to tell him that I'm drowning. As much as I would love to be the super woman who can do everything all the time, or even the martyr who can pretend that I'm able to do it all own my own but I just can't anymore. I've spent the last 7 months chasing my tail and I'm just over it. So I came to him from a place of I need help instead of a place of you don't help which is the place that I usually come at him from. And wouldn't you know it worked. He's offered to clean the kitchen every night before he goes to bed which I honestly have to say is a tremendous help. So I'm really hoping that it helps and we'll see where we go from here.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

What is going on with me

I really feel lost at the moment. I need a friend and a break desperately and neither of those things are something I have or am going to get here.

People are always talking about the miltary being this wonderfully supportive community but it is such a load of crap. Everyone is out for themselves. Period end of story. The wives are all about how they can make their husbands look better to the chain of command and how to best get him ahead. Mostly because they have no lives of their own and exsist thru him and what he can accomplish. And lets face it the majority of the miltary is young. We're talking just out of high school young and a bunch of 19-21 yr old girls getting together is always going to be nothing but a drama fest. I'm just feeling so defeated. Its just not worth it to make friends around here. Which sucks because when I moved I took that as the opportunity to cut out a lot of friends back home that weren't really worth having in the first place. So now I have maybe 3 friends who are really the people I lean on when I need to and they are 3500 miles away. I've got no one here. Other than Matt and he works a billion hours a week. So whats the point.

I feel like I've come to a standstill with school. I wanted to start going back Spring quarter but at this point I really don't think thats going to be workable. We can't afford the daycare for me to go on campus full time. Even if I picked up a part time job I wouldn't make enough to cover daycare. And if I worked enough to cover the daycare cost I wouldn't have time for classes let alone homework. I really shouldn't do online classes because lets face it, as the only person to entertain Logan and keep the house running during the day there is absolutely no way I'll not get distracted and let school fall to the side. I know myself better than that. Then theres the night school approach. But with Matts retarded schedule he's never off at a normal time. One day he's off at 3 and the next he's working until 10 with no warning whatever. So thats off the table. I just hate that my whole entire life has to come to a standstill because of his career. I mean I get it. He's in the Army and when you join the Army your job is #1. I knew that and I understand it but dammit if it doesn't piss me off from time to time.

My marriage isnt' in the best place at the moment either. I'm not packing my bags or anything. We're just having a great deal of trouble with communication for some reason lately. He's been working so much lately that he really isn't around and I'm unhappy for the last couple weeks. He either doesn't care or is completely oblivious. Either way, I'm pissed at him for it. I'm mad at him for not caring or I'm mad at him for not noticing. But really if he isn't here, how do I expect him to notice. Especially when I don't tell him. We need to talk about it and get everything out on the table but with the stress around here I know its going to start out as a fight and really I'm just too emotionally exhausted to fight right now.

Saturday, January 22, 2011


Why do we feel the need to put labels on people in our society? Everyone in our life has to have a position. Worse is that we feel the need to label ourselves more than anyone else. Christian, Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend, Teacher, Homemaker, Bus Driver. Whatever the labels might be.

Why do I have to have a label? Why do I have to have a "best" friend rather than just a friend? Why do I have to be a Christian or Jew or Buddhist rather than just a spiritual person?

I think labels put us in a box. And when you have a label put on you, you become afraid to venture outside of that box. You become comfortable in your little space in the box and become content to remain without ever experiencing the rest of life. How do you know that you are a "this" if you've never tried being a "that"?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I keep envisioning a scene from Beauty and the Beast. Its the scene where Belle's father is on his way to the fair to show off his invention. They are running late and on a path through the forest. Suddenly as it begins to grow darker, the path comes to a split. One side is well lit, open and birds are flying happily throughout. The other is overgrown, misty, dark and foreboding. The horse starts off for the bright trail but the rider steers him towards the darker thinking it is a short cut to the fair.

This is an exact representation of where I am in my life right now. The problem is that I can't decide if I want to be the horse...or the rider.

If I continue the way I've been going it would be to follow the brighter path. Its been a path nice to me thus far. Sure there has been some clouds roll over head and I've certainly found a pothole or two. Perhaps even a fallen tree that took some work to get around, but a pleasent ride. But the nagging voice in my head saying the darker path could be a short cut is ever present. Is it really a short cut though? Or will it just lead me far off my "happy" trail to come to a sudden drop off. Then what? Fall off the cliff or turn around and make my way back down the hard path only to make it back to where I started having taken an absolutely un-necessary diversion.

Ugh. I wish I knew where the other path led and if its worth it to follow it. Mostly I wish I could just be content with the happy well lit path and continue on my merry way.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I want to scream at all of you!

People are really pissing me off lately. I have no idea why, they just are. I'm in no way a saint. Don't get me wrong. And I've certainly made some DUMB decisions, but lately I see people around me making the worst choices, doing the dumbest things and people being snarky at eachother about stupid stuff. So I'm sending this out into the universe to get it out of my head. And if you fall into one of the categories or one or more of my points offends you, I'm sorry. These are not directed at one person in particular. Each of these are things I've seen MULTIPLE people doing. But if you do fall into one of these

Dear Boys- Stop being man whores! There is more to life than who can bang the most chicks and how many drinks it takes before you're too drunk to play your Wii.

Dear Girls- Does sleeping with a guy with mere HOURS of meeting them make you a whore. No, I suppose not. But it sure is a whoreish thing to do.

Dear Purists- So what if you were a virgin until you got married?! Maybe you were a person with super-power values who waited for that "special" person. Or maybe you were just an insecure scared person who feared that level of intimacy. Plus most of you married at 19. So yeah, way to hold out.

Dear Newbies- Yes you may be "with" my friends. But honestly you won't be around long enough to make it worth my while to get to know you. And just because you are sleeping with them doesn't mean you know them and stop telling me how they are.

Dear Tag Chasers- There may be GI's dumb enough to marry you after 3 months but our friends aren't any of those guys. So go away.

Dear Deployment Spouses- Should you be sitting at home pining away? Of course not! But you also shouldn't be essentially dating other people while your s/o is gone. There is a level of intimacy that doesn't include sex and I think its emotional cheating. Don't talk to me about it because I don't agree with it. Not only for you and your marriages sake, but also for the people you are stringing along.

Dear Universe- I made a choice. I'm thankful for the things and places in my life that choice has brought me. Lately I've been wondering about the path the other choice would have taken me. I know where I would be and what I would have and I grieve for it. Please give me the peace of mind and contentment with the path I have chosen.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I seriously need a vacation from my freaking vacation. I haven't been this exhausted since Logan first appeared on the scene.

First of all, he's teetheing which is an adventure unto itself. Really, he isn't that bad. Just more fussy than normal. Which seems like a lot since he isn't a fussy baby at all. But since we got back from Seattle he has had a small persistent cough. I've been doing the vicks humidifier once during the day and then at night when he goes to bed but it doesn't seem to be helping any. And when I tell me mom about it this morning she says "Well, you know there is a huge outbreak of whooping cough here." HELLO!!!!???? I just left there. Would have been helpful to have that information sooner!! So now I have to take him to the dr first thing tomorrow morning because they are still closed today for the 4 day. Then take him back on Friday for his 6 mos check up. I think this poor kid is going to get a hundred shots this week and I feel so bad for him. To top it all off, I'm starting to get sick (hoping its just a cold and not the flu) and my wonderful period decided to show up after almost 3 months AWOL so I'm exhausted and cranky.