Bye Bye Baby

Matt is going TDY in just a few hours and I haven't been this excited to have the house to myself in a loooong time. I always enjoy my night or two of quiet but after the long week and having sooo many people here on Thanksgiving...I'm ready for solitude. The house is finally all cleaned up. The fridge is devoid of tin foil wrapped things and tupperware containers. In fact tonight I'm making nachos for dinner. Just because I can.

I got the tree up yesterday. Matt drug it in from the garage and I managed to get it up and strung with lights before Logan got up from his nap yesterday. Quite the feat considering I left the tree is a disasterous mess when I put it away last year. I think I'll put the ornaments on tonight after Logan goes to bed. It is going to take a little more effort since I need to strategically place certain ornaments that can't be replaced if Logan got a hold of them.

In fact I think I'll decorate the tree with hot cocoa and an encore of Miracle on 34th Street tonight :)

If....

I've seen a few fellow bloggers do this and since I don't have much in my head bursting to get out, I thought I'd do this.

If you could live anywhere in the US....

Growing up, I hated where I lived. I grew up and lived in Seattle until I was 15. I then moved to Tacoma, another city about an hour south of Seattle. I wanted to move away when I got out of school. Not necessarily because I didn't like it, but more because it was blah to me. It was stale. Stale in the way that something you've known an experienced your life can become stale. I had no positive or negative feelings towards it, I was indifferent. Then I moved away. You know, its funny. When Matt and I started dating he always talked about being home and how you don't appreciate how fantastic this place was until you lived somewhere else. There is a spot on I-5 when you are driving north, and just as you pass Boeing field up come up a hill and at the top of that hill is a curve in the road. When you make that curve its the first sight you catch of the downtown Seattle skyline. He would always get so excited just to see it. Like it was his sign he was home. I always made fun of him and how its not that great and I would love to live somewhere else, just to experience something different. Now that I'm doing just that, I miss home terribly. It is the best place in the world, for me. The weather, the mountains, the water, the smell, the people. And of course both our families are there and now, with Logan, it will be nice when he can get to know his family the way I know his family. And on a daily basis. So for me, the answer will always be Seattle.

If you could have any talent in the world.....

I really wish I could dance. I'm not just bad, I'm horrible. I am a white girl trying to find a rythym and its not even in the same zip code as me. I love to dance. I grew up at the height of the teen/bubble gum pop craze. Boy bands and Britney Spears and cheorgraphed dance videos. I remember my best friend and I studying those videos and performances for hours and learning the dances. I don't know why exactly other than we thought it was cool to dance along with them. So I wish I was a better dancer. I don't need to be great, but not embarrassing would be nice.

If you met me in real life.......

You would probably think I'm a bitch. I tend to be very quiet and reserved when first meeting people an it makes me come off as snarky or rude. I also as a general rule don't like people. And I wouldn't say that I dislike everyone upon meeting them, I would say that I am indifferent to people until they give me a reason to like them. I am also extremely sarcastic and flippant. Its my comfort zone and where I live. You would decide rather quickly whether you love me or hate me. I don't find many people that are in the middle when it comes to their opinion of me.

If money were not an object.....

I would travel everywhere. There are a million places I want to go and things I want to see but probably Europe and mostly Paris. I would bum around Paris and just exsist.

If I could meet one celebrity......

I don't know if he qualifies as a celebrity, but he's certainly famous and known the world over, so I think he counts. Bill Clinton. I love Bill Clinton. I think he is one of the smartest people on the planet and the way he's utilitzing his time after his presidency is amazing to me. I've always said my dream is to sit down and play a game of chess with him. One because I'm pretty good at it, also because it can last hours and would give me a chance to talk to him and pick his brain about everything I could imagine.

If you could shop one store for the rest of your life.....

I wish I had a different answer for this, but its Walmart. I've never walked into a Walmart to get something and them not have it. I would just have to have my own personal Walmart that "normal Walmart folk" didn't know existed and couldn't get to. Though, isn't that part of the experience of Walmart???

If you could choose one animal/pet.......

As uncool as this answer is, it would still be my dog. He's my Boo Boo and he truly belongs with us.

If I could go on a trip right now....

I would go home. Its the holiday season and that always makes me miss friends and family. I also have this irrational fear that my family won't do holidays the "right" way when I'm gone. Like I've been intrusted with the way my Great Grandmother always did them and how I grew up and if I'm not there to make sure it stays the same, it will be messed up. That was always my favorite time of year and some of my best memories growing up so I insist on things being just so.

If you had to choose between a house cleaner or a personal chef.....

Yeah no brainer. Totally a house cleaner. I enjoy cooking. It de-stress' me. If I could get away with not cleaning again as long as I live I would give just about anything.

Broken

This is how I feel lately...I don't know why. I need........something.

Bleh

Ugh. I just feel bleh today. I hate feeling this way because I can't pin point why I feel bleh. I just know that I do. Matt is set to sign all his paperwork tomorrow and for some reason I feel like something is going to happen to muck it all up. I'm sure its just anxiety. I've been waiting for this for the last year and now that its finally here, I kind of can't believe it. Its like I don't know how to do anything else but stress about it. Think of all the free brain space I'm going to have when this is outta there! I can't wait.

Matt said he is going to do it first thing in the morning but I'm trying to talk him into doing it a little later so that Logan and I can come. I was at his last one. Its really not a big deal. He swears in and then signs a piece of paper. Gets a folder and a picture and done. I know its not a "thing" but to me it kind of is. Its for 10 years, which is not a small amount of time. It puts me at almost 40 when its up. Oh My God. I didn't realize that until I typed it....and looking at it freaks me out. And yes, Logan is 16 months old and has no idea what is going on but I think he should be there. I would like to have a picture of Matt holding Logan at his re-enlistment. I think his mom would get a kick out of it too. But we'll see how it goes.

Its supposed to cool down about 20 degrees tonight and for the next few days. There is even a slight chance of rain later today. I really truly hate the sun. I don't enjoy happy, frilly things. I just don't. I belong in the grey and gloom. It calms me. It settles me. 300 days of sun and 75+ degree weather is not making for a happy me.

Which reminds me, I told Matt this morning about my therapy session on Friday. He kind of didn't say anything. We've talked about me wanting to start therapy before when I first contacted MOS about getting referred. It really makes me mad because he takes everything so effing personally. He assumes that because I want to go to therapy that I'm miserable, hate my life, hate him and he's a horrible husband, father and person. No matter how many times I tell him that's not it, he just doesn't compute. This is about ME. No one else. Just me. So I know that's what was rolling through his brain when I told him I was going. But I guess I'll take pleasure in the fact that at least this time he was decent enough not to say it and keep it inside his head. I'm sure he'll want to have some grand discussion about it when I get home and I don't know how I'll feel about that yet.

MOS

So today I was finally able to track down someone with a brain at MOS and get some counseling sessions set up. My first appointment is on Friday. Which seems strange because its Veteran's Day but fine. It actually works out well for me because Matt has the day off. My appointment is in the evening so I'll be around to get Logan fed dinner and in pj's then Matt can put him down and I can come home to quiet and just process which I think is probably a good thing.

I haven't told Matt yet though.

My entire family has a history of depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with depression myself shortly after starting college and moving out on my own. It took a few years to find a med that worked for me. When I got pregnant, I had to go off my meds. Which was an adjustment for a while. But after I had Logan and my hormones stopped being crazy and everything balanced out again, I didn't want to go back on the meds. I didn't realize how just how much they effect me until I didn't have them in my system anymore. I really thing that being pregnant and giving birth normalized my body chemistry a lot after all was said and done. I wouldn't classify myself as depressed anymore per se.

But I do have stress management issues. I tend to get frazzled over the silliest of things. And I just completely shut down when I get overwhelmed. There is no talking to me. I just ignore you. And if I do acknowledge you, I snap. I can be very mean. Its not something I'm proud of but its true. And that is a trait I don't like and would like to do something about. Of course I went to my dr to get referred for a therapist and he tried to throw pills at me. Why take the time to figure out and cope with something when you can just take a pill and cover it up? What they don't tell you is that it covers up other parts of you too. I don't want to take meds. I don't want to put things into my body that aren't there naturally if I can help it. So I called MOS and thought hey we'll give this a try.

Like I said, my first appointment is on Friday night so we'll see how it goes. I'll post after and let you all know.

Weekend Update

Today is Sunday. I was really hoping to have a bit of a lazy day with the family, especially since Matt is leaving tomorrow for Florida for a few days, but as I got up this morning and looked around, there is a lot of housework to be done. So it looks like I'll be tackling that for at least a while today. Also I need to remember to move all the clocks in the house back an hour. I didn't do it last night and every time I look at the clock this morning I have that "huh?....how is it already......oh wait....." and think I'll change that when I'm done. Of course I forget by the time I'm done and move on to the next thing.

This morning Logan insisted eating his eggs with a fork all by himself. It was a little messy but I'm amazed how well he did for hardly ever holding a fork. Around the time he turned a year old I started trying to implament utensil use. He was interested in nothing but playing with them. Especially the fork. I seriously worried he was going to take an eye out so I just thought it safer to keep them out of reach for a while. But I've noticed him watching us use them intently the last few days so I thought perhaps he's ready for them. Turns out he is. Tonight we're having chowder for dinner so we'll try a toddler spoon for a bit. I know this will be so messy but he has to learn right? The biggest lesson I've learned being a parent is that every kid is on their own time table. Don't force something because "its time". If they aren't interested in what you are trying to teach, it will never happen. But learn to pay attention so that when they do become interested and are "ready" you recognize it.

Yesterday Matt spent much of the day helping out remodeling homes for battered women. He said it was awful. The houses were so gross and practically falling down and in the worst neighborhood. Literally a guy walked up to them (a lot of the shop was there) and said "You guys are doing good works. God is proud of you. I've got Crack for everybody!!".....Apparently the 1st Sgt. moved him along rather easily but still, that makes for an interesting story I guess.

Today I'm going to make a Seafood Chowder recipe that I was given by a family friend. I really hope it turns out because its the best thing I've eaten in a long time and Matt inhaled it. If it works out I'll post it here. I'm also going to need to get started on my Thanksgiving grocery list. I've started picking up the small things like broths and stuff. But a headcount is starting to come into view and I need to figure out how much of each thing I'll need. Then make the grocery list. I should really write these recipes down at some point. I'm the youngest to know all Gramme's recipes and they aren't written down anywhere...just in case.

New Normal

So Matt has chosen a new career path in the Army. He'll be switching to Electronic Warfare in the next year. He signs his paperwork on November 10th and then its just waiting for a school date and all the fun that comes with a LAT move and PCSing.

I'm relieved in many ways. I'm scared in a few. But mostly I feel heartbroken and I can't explain why.

With a job change comes the very real realization that deployments will once again become part of our "normal".

Funnily enough I'm not sad for me. I signed up for this. I get that and honestly, while deployments aren't the most fun thing, they can be a blessing if you allow them to be. Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and it allows you to reconnect in a way that can get lost in the everyday routine of bills, kids and routine. While I would never choose to put my husband in danger or have him apart from me for such great lengths of time, I choose to see the positive and good in it rather than dwell on the crappy end of it. The opportunities to grow and learn within myself, the chance to prove to myself I am the strong independant woman I always wanted to be.

My heart breaks for Logan and Matt. I can't imagine being apart from Logan for so long. I can't imagine not seeing Logan jump up and run around yelling happily when Matt comes in the door at the end of the day. I can't imagine the fear for Matt to wonder and worry if his son will recognize him when he comes home. The thought must just be crushing. The confusion for Logan of not knowing where Daddy went or why. Or if he's coming back.

How do you remain strong and supportive when your heart is broken for your son and husband? This is not his normal. He doesn't know what it is to not have Daddy around. And Matt does not know what a deployment with a family at home is.

I guess its a new "normal". I don't like it. I hope it never feels too "normal".