Dear You- Another infamous rant

Dear "Friend"- Am I the only person who thinks its funny that you constantly say how much you hate drama but you are probably the biggest creator of drama I've ever met in my life? No one is ever really mad at you but you sure know how to run around behind everyone else's back to get one "friend" mad at another. How is it possible that we live across the country from eachother and your still talking to people about me trying to start shit? Your pathetic.

Dear Newly Engaged- You are a dumbass. You can't manage to stay together for more than 3 weeks at a time and now its your brilliant plan to get married?? Well if this wedding ever actually happens you deserve what you get. Just please for the love of all you consider holy DO NOT GET KNOCKED UP!!!! What a horrible situation to bring a child into.

Dear Getting Divorced- I know your hurting. I know your heartbroken. But it is so for the best. You've been through such a fight just to make your life your own and she has done nothing but suck the life out of you. She's a leech. You deserve better and will find it. Know how amazing you are and how beneath you she really is.

Dear Former Friend- What is the deal with you? You used to be normal. All I know is that I'm getting while the getting is still good. I don't want to be anywhere near you when this all hits the fan.

Dear Oldest Friend- I don't know what to do with you. We both know where this is going to end. I can't understand why you can't just walk away. Well, yes I can. But the sooner the better or that little ball of love is going to begin to get scuffed and scarred. She's a liar because she's 12. She's never been a grown up on her own and your more her father than her husband. I know how much you hate to fail but you can't make something work when only one of you is willing to work on it.

Dear Old Friend- I really wish we talked more. I don't know why we don't. I miss your funny take on everything and you really do know me better than anyone else. The only thing that comforts me is that even if we didn't speak for a decade we'd be there in a moment if one needed the other.

Dear Soldier- WTF?? How smart is it to go home to finalize getting custody of your siblings and while your there do drugs only to get busted when you get back???!!! Now you have 2 pre-teens to raise with nothing to offer them. I really hope this causes a serious wake up call for you.

Dear Girlfriend- First impressions last a long time with me. You rubbed me the wrong way but you make him happy so I'm willing to give you another shot. I hope for your sake we can find better footing or I can make your life miserable.

Dear Love- Sometimes I forget that I chose this. Please try to find nicer ways of reminding me of it.

Dear Shop Gnome-Do you ever wish you could rewind time for just a day? I really wish I could talk without caring what you think. It would make me feel better. But there's nothing either of us can do to change it and really it would just make me feel worse before I felt better so I'll keep my mouth shut.

Happy Easter Everyone

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter in the midst of the prep I'm doing here. We're having some of the guys from the barracks over so I'm busy busy!

The Great Debate

How many kids is the right amount? Don't ask us.

Matt and I have always agreed that we both wanted 2 kids. It was something we talked about early and often. We also agreed that we wanted our kids to be roughly 2-3 years apart in age. The only thing we ever disagreed on was the genders. He's always wanted 1 of each and I refuse to have anything other than boys. I am not built to raise girls. Period.

But things have changed and Matt and I are on different pages as far as another child is concened. He absolutely wants another according to plan, I am 99% sure that I absolutely don't. I've given him my list of reasons and he says none of them justify raising an only child and has a list of his own reasons why we should. I'll share these lists with you so you can see where we stand.

My List of Why Nots:

* I hated being pregnant. With a passion.

* I had complications with the last pregnancy and will likely have more severe complications with future pregnancies

* I didn't adjust well to mommyhood the first several months and Logan is a very very well behaved happy baby. The next one will not be.

* Affording a second baby would take some serious budgeting and take away from the things we are able to do as a family as well as things both Logan and Baby#2 are able to participate in down the line.

* I really really really don't want to have a girl (I know this sounds like a totally vain and silly reason but I myself)

* Matt is of very little help in the day to day care of Logan. He doesn't do diapers or feeding. He doesn't even know how to put the carseat in/out of the car or strap Logan into it. Seriously. He can play with him like a champion but other than that, not so much.

His reasons we should:

* Logan will be spoiled as an only child

* Logan will grow up lonely and isolated

* He really wants a girl

* Logan should have family even after we're gone

If he has more reasons that those he's never shared them with me. These are the only things he tells me over and over again.

At least we can both agree that this is not the proper time to begin trying to have another one. Matt needs to re-enlist and get through his training for the new job not to mention getting his new assignment and us getting moved. So we've got at least another year to argue about it. But I know as soon as we get settled into the new place this coversation is going to begin again.

The interesting thing is that we actually both agree that if we were to add to our family we both would prefer to adoopt. Which also brings up its on dilemma's because it is so expensive and getting an adoption to go through for a military family is exceedingly difficult. So I've asked him if he would consider getting a vasectomy and he plans on it. Just not for another couple years. I honestly think that he is hoping that he accidently knocks me up LOL!!

Its something obviously we'll be discussing for the next few years.

PTSD boundaries

This has been on my mind for a while. And I will fully admit that I may talking out of my ass on this topic. I've been incredibly lucky that even given all the horrific crap Matt has seen over his deployments he doesn't suffer from PTSD.

Where do you draw the line between loyalty to your husband/his career and the safety of those he works with?

It seems to irrational to me that I would know Matt suffers from PTSD and I would knowingly send him off to war.

First of all, its absolutely counter productive to the soldier with PTSD. How is continually sending them into the situation that caused the problem in the first place going to help that problem?

Secondly it seems so unsafe for the people working with and around the affected soldier. How many times do you hear people tell you not to worry the soldier with the little things going wrong at home? That they need their head to be 110% in the game while they are gone. Well isn't a mental illness by definition not 100% in control? I don't care how much someone tells me that it doesn't effect the way they do their job, it does on some level. And I have to tell you if someone caused my husband to get injured and people knew about an illness or disorder and didn't say anything about it, I'd be beyond words. They are just as responsible for his injuries.

Also if something were to happen and Matt came home with PTSD who says I have to be miserable because of it?

For better or worse. I get that. And I would never leave Matt if he came home with a physical injury. Lost limb, blind, paralysis whatever, we'll deal, overcome and move forward with life. I think of PTSD in the same light. Its not something I would ever leave Matt for, as long as he was willing to acknowledge it and work on it. I understand being understanding and working with the cards we are dealt. I would support him through it 150%. But if he chooses to ignore the problem thats where I draw the line. I don't have to live with a husband who is mean, de-tached, emotionally unavailable, using vices (ie alcohol, porn, excessive compulsions) to deal. And my kid certainly doesn't have to live with it.

I know why soldiers don't get help but at what point does personal responsibility come into play?

At what point do you say I love you and I support you but this is no longer your decision. You are a liability to the mission and you need help to get back to being an asset. We'll do it together but you have to be willing to work just as hard as I am.

Twitchy?

Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you can't put your finger on just what it might be?

For the last week I haven't gotten any sleep. I mean perhaps 90 minutes - 2 hours a night. I'm drowning in exhaustion. I've get into bed, I read my book (per usual) until my eyes get heavy and then I turn off the lights..........and nothing. I toss and turn. I can't seem to get comfortable, almost like I can feel my muscles contracting in protest of relaxation. Then my mind starts to race and I feel like I've forgotten something. I go over in my mind locking every door, turning on and off all the appropriate lights, checking the volume of the baby monitor. Then I physically get up and retrace my steps to make sure I actually did all the things I remember doing. Yep. I'm not crazy. Back to bed. Again my body won't ease. I know it isn't my bed. We just bought it less than a year ago and I went out and bought a super thick memory foam topper for it and its heaven. Like sleeping on a cloud.

The first night it happened it was extremely windy outside with thunderstorms rolling in and I knew it was supposed to be a pretty bad storm. Right before I went to bed we went under a tornado warning. As I lay in bed I could hear the wind gaining speed and could only think I hadn't cleaned out the closet downstairs that is our "tornado room" and the dog didn't have his collar on so how was I going to wrangle him with a kid in my arms. Then there was that feeling that something wasn't right. What I imagine it would feel like if you awoke in the darkness of your room and someone was there who shouldn't be. I actually called Matt at the shop to ask what time he thought he would be home because I knew I wasn't going to have any hope of sleep until he did. I have never called Matt at work. Not when his grandmother died, not when I was I was having a miscarriage, never. So I think he sensed I must have been really upset because he came home a little earlier than expected.

But even since then I can't seem to get in the groove of sleep. I just feel like this shoe somewhere out in the universe is about to drop on us. Nothing in our life is particularly stressful or strained. Just the everyday life of married couple with a baby. He is coming up on his re-enlistment and he is changing jobs and it leaves a lot of uncertainty in the somewhat near future, but thats military life. I accept it. I will go with the flow. Plan where I can and create plans B, C and D for the things I can't.

So why can't I sleep??

How invested are you?

I'm always telling Matt how evil technology is. I think it really robs people of living an actual life. Why go out and risk getting your heart hurt when you can hide behind a computer from the safety of your own living room? We're always talking about how technology has gone too far. We watched that Jeopardy special with the 2 best players in history playing against a computer. The idea that a machine can comprehend and think for itself really freaks me out. And honestly I wouldn't call a "Terminator" situation where machines turn on man out of the question.

Yet here I sit. Blogging. On the internet. I too have become sucked into the world of techy goodness. I have friends in real life. The really great ones are at home, but the ones here are tried and true as well. I have a social life that requires me to leave the house. Even when I most don't want to. But I also have internet friends. People I've never, and honestly 99% likely never will, lay on eyes on, share a cup of coffee with or have family dinners together. But at times I feel closer to this set of friends than any other.

Why?

And is that healthy?

I am a member of a military spouse forum. Have been now for about 3 years. Its given me an opportunity to get information I NEVER would have found on my own. Its given me a place to vent, cry and laugh about things. Its also caused me to become more affirmed of my views, morals and standards. Which has also led to more than one unnecessary headache. Nothing cements your views more than listening to someone of the complete opposite compus spout theirs let me tell you.

Anyway, I have a "friend" on this forum. In no other sense of the word than we post and reply to the same topics and questions on the forum and we are friends on Facebook. Thats it. We don't talk on the phone. I honestly don't know that I could tell you 100% for sure what part of the country she lives in without having to look it up first. The one thing I can tell you about her with certainty is that she wants to be a mother. And her and her husband have been having a great deal of difficulty achieving that goal in life. After a very long battle trying to concieve (which included mulitple mis-diagnosis of what the problem causing the difficulty in the first place was...gotta love these military docs :/ ) She informed us a few weeks ago she was pregnant. As I read those words on my computer screen I litterally yelped with joy out loud for her. To the point that Matt came into the room asking what I was so happy about. Because she is considered extremely high risk she went in for weekly ultrasounds. Every week I looked for her posting let me know there was a strong heart beat with us.

Then last week, a simple post letting me know that this week there was no heartbeat. My heart sank. How could this happen? After all it took to get that far....and then it was just a nevermind. I know that feeling of loss. I also know how it haunts you. The next pregnancy is a bit heavy with worry as you hope to just make it past the x week mark. Then everything will be ok and this is really real.

These thoughts are on my mind because today I open Facebook, and there under her name is pregnancy ticker announcing she is x weeks along and a brief discription of the babys development and growth. My first instict was to get rid of it for her. As if I could some how delete it from her profile from mine. Don't let her see it! Someone keep her busy until it falls far enough towards the bottom of the page that she won't notice!! But I can do nothing. I noticed about an hour later it was gone and I felt my eyes well. I knew she had seen it. I knew she had to feel the twinge of deleteing it from her own profile. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to offer an ear to listen or a hand to hold. But I don't know her.

Then a little later in the day I flip open to Blogger.

I am not the greatest blogger. Not for lack of trying. I can't tell you how many topics I have on here hanging in the air because I've started them and then never finished. Usually because my brain gets the better of me and I think faster than I can type and need to walk away to quiet the storm. Then I never come back to it because the moments passed. But I do make it a point to check in every couple days with the blogs I follow. Today was one of those days.

I'm scrolling through and everything is looking pretty par for the course in Blogland. Lots of people starting to enjoy the warmer weather, new love blossoming and such.

Then I see it.

I'm dead.

What?! Why would someone write that? So I open the blog. I read a page of intense pain. I read the story of a life ending.

What happened? Is she ok? Someone check on her! Call someone! Who do I call??

It appears as though she is fine and resting in capable care. But that doesn't stop me from worrying and wanting to check in. To tell her I've felt her pain before and it will end. It hurts. In blinding way. Thats why she can't see the light at the end of her tunnel. But its there. And it is growing closer.

So how much do you care? And how much is too much?