Swirly Brain

Do you ever have those days where your mind is racing a hundred miles and hour but you don't know what about?

My head is crazy busy right now but its like its thinking about so many things at once that I couldn't tell you what even one of them is.

So perhaps I'll just randomly update on things and see if that calms the storm in my brain enough that I can get some sleep tonight.

ANDERSON- My sister Jessica had her second baby today. A little boy named Anderson Shin, a moose baby weighing in at 9lbs and 3oz. I can't belive my baby isn't the baby of the family anymore. Nor is he the only boy. Really he quit being the baby about 3 weeks after he was born as Matt's step brother and his wife had their second daughter then. But Logan was the only boy on either side until today. Kind of bummed he doesn't have that title anymore.

LOGAN- is exhausting. He's climbing on everything, assisted walking and speed crawling when he wants something he knows he isn't supposed to have. Its funny to see him because he totally registers the word "no" and absolutely knows what it means when I say it to him. That doesn't stop the wheels from turning in his little head though, and you can actually see him trying to work out how and if he can get what he isn't supposed to have without me noticing or caring. He "talks" all the time. I just know that first word is in there dying to come out. Though it will be the most hated word ever when it arrives because its all that will be said over and over and over again.

MATT- Still working nights. I truly cannot begin to describe how much I hate this shift he's on. He doesn't go to work until 5 pm. Then he's home roughly by 2 and since he can't go straight to sleep he's up watching tv or playing video games and generally unwinding until 5am. Which happens to be about the same time Logan gets up every morning. So I still have to get up at 5am, spend the day with Logan (trying to keep him relatively quiet) while Matt sleeps and then get him down into bed all alone. It really is like Matt isn't here anymore. Other than I still have dirty ACU's that need to be washed and a bathroom that is a constant disaster zone. June cannot come fast enough for me.

ME- School starts for me again in the next couple weeks which sounds like about the worst idea ever. I'm in no way shape or form feeling mentally prepared to get back on the college train. I really think that my problem mostly is that I'm changing direction (yet again) and its almost like starting over for me. Instead of getting ready to apply to nursing programs in the fall, I'm essentially only a year into a 4 year program. Awesome. It needs to be done. Seriously. I'm just not feeling very motivated to do it. I'm hoping once I get back into the world of college (and adults!!!) I'll find that passion I have for it again quickly and easily.

The Airborne Ball is on Saturday. We've secured a sitter for the evening and I'm looking forward to a night out with the hubby. Its the first time we'll be living Logan with a sitter so I'm a little nervous and with the sever attachment issue he's having with me right now I'm just hoping he doesn't spend the entire time crying and screaming. I'm having her come over about an hour early though so Logan can spend time with her with me in sight while we get ready. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow which will be an experience considering I've never shopped for or bought a formal gown before so I really haven't a clue where to go.

Decorating...or lack thereof

I want to decorate my house. I'm tired of it looking boring and empty. There are a few reasons however that I strongly hestitate doing anything at all to this place beyond hanging a few picture frames.

The first is the obvious, I live in military housing. This poses a few big issues for me: This place has to look as bland and stark when I leave as it did upon my entering. That is a lot of work. The second is that I don't know how much longer I'll be here and I don't want to spend all this time and money on something that will be here for less than 6 months and then need to be erased. Also no housing from Post to Post is even remotely the same. So if I decorate for this big 4 bedroom 2 story house what do I do with all the stuff when we move into our 2 bedroom quadplex at the next PCS?

The next is simply I have no effing clue what I'm doing. And certainly no earthly idea how to do it on a budget of any kind. I'm not artistic in any sense of the word. I don't know what looks good with what. I don't know the difference between a flat paint and a semi-gloss. I can't do anything beyond basic sewing really and I don't have much going for me in carpentar skills beyond the basics either.

I think at this point this house is a lost cause. With Matt getting ready to head off to re-class training by the end of the year we probably won't be here much beyond that so why start now something that I probably won't finish by the time we leave. But I can start to gather some sort of idea of what I want in the next home we have. At least vague themes for bedrooms and such.

Selfish?

I get that I married a career military man. I get that in this time, in this world, in this reality, his job is more often than not to literally get shot at and try to avoid the bullets. And if he should happen to miscalculate and catch one, his job becomes to survive so that he can get back out there and start trying to dodge the next round of bullets.

With these air strikes in Libya today it makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person.

I understand what the "objective" of all these wars were fighting are, but I wonder why us? Why does the United States always have to be the police force of the world? Why is it my husband and my brother's job to get shot at to make what seems like little to no impact?

I am constantly hearing military wives talk about how proud they are of their military spouse. I so see that pride in myself. My husband is a fantastic soldier. But I feel like he would be fantastic at any job that he really put effort in to. I don't need the military to validate my pride in my husband. I don't need the military to be proud of my brother. I've been proud of him and knew he was destined for bigger and better for a long time. Even when he and others didn't. I can say I have added pride for a man who signs up for a job at a time when he knows it will put him in harms way even when he doesn't believe in the fight or the cause.

These same wives who speak of pride are also quick to say they understand what their husbands are fighting for and if the soldier died they would feel the swell of pride that comes with someone giving their life for their country. Except with Matt, he didn't sign up to fight a war. He went off to basic in August 2001. He signed a contract that was null and void a mere days later and he was now bound to a different contract. One that could now be written in his blood and would literally put him in the depths of hell.

So I wonder, am I horrible person that I wouldn't feel that pride? That pride won't be there to teach my son to ride a bike, shave or go to prom. I'd be more than angry. I don't think Matts life would be a sacrifice for the greater cause, or for the safety of America. I would think it was another stolen life. Just like the other stolen moms, dads, husbands and wives of this war.

Matt has since enlisted more than once and is planning to do so again in the next few weeks. So he now signs a blood contract knowingly and willingly, but it is a blood contract none the less.

But again I ask, am I the only one who thinks its not worth it? There will always be terrorism. Whether its foriegn or domestic. There will always be someone out there who thinks it would be a good idea to hurt other people. Just like there will always be people willing to pay for it. You can't get rid of it. How many people have to die before you understand that all you are doing is moving it from one country to another? Its like having an ant hill in your back yard, you can go out and pour Borax on it to destroy it, but the ants will simply build another in your neighbors yard. And when they pour the Borax on they move right back under the fence to your yard again.

I may be the most selfish person ever. I may be considered unpatriotic. Though to me, there is nothing more un-patriotic than surrendering the lives of the future of this country to a lost cause.

I want to know where to send my letters if Matt ever doesn't make it home one day. I will send these letters I have, so they know he was a person with thoughts and feelings and a family he had dreams for and not just a soldier on a conveyer belt meant to complete the "mission" at all costs. I will send these original letters, handwritten and covered in dirt. Stained and a bit musty from being carried around in an ACU jacket in 119 degree heat for a day or two. Or smelling faintly of his aftershave because he remembers how I cried when I told him that the pillow doesn't smell like him anymore. Would it make a difference, probably not. But dammit I want him acknowledged as the man he is to me, and not just a name on a casualty report. Even if for just a breif moment.

Finally was able to get our taxes done this morning. After the computer break down and then the MyPay account issue that Matt was having he was finally able to access his account last night so I could print out his W-2. We are getting about double what I thought we were going to get and about $2000 more than I was hoping for. Of course all of it is going towards the down payment on our new car that we will be running out and buying as soon as the money is deposited into our bank account lol. Now I need to get Matt to get rolling on getting the car we want financed through USAA as I think they are going to be the best place for an interest rate. Unfortunately combined Matt and I don't have the worlds greatest credit so to finance thru the dealership would kick our butt I think. This would be a direct result of Matt having no credit essentially since joining the Army and having no bills to pay and my stupid mistakes as a 20 year old with no idea how to balance a check book having not come off my credit report yet. So we are putting down as much as we can and hoping for the best.