I keep envisioning a scene from Beauty and the Beast. Its the scene where Belle's father is on his way to the fair to show off his invention. They are running late and on a path through the forest. Suddenly as it begins to grow darker, the path comes to a split. One side is well lit, open and birds are flying happily throughout. The other is overgrown, misty, dark and foreboding. The horse starts off for the bright trail but the rider steers him towards the darker thinking it is a short cut to the fair.

This is an exact representation of where I am in my life right now. The problem is that I can't decide if I want to be the horse...or the rider.

If I continue the way I've been going it would be to follow the brighter path. Its been a path nice to me thus far. Sure there has been some clouds roll over head and I've certainly found a pothole or two. Perhaps even a fallen tree that took some work to get around, but a pleasent ride. But the nagging voice in my head saying the darker path could be a short cut is ever present. Is it really a short cut though? Or will it just lead me far off my "happy" trail to come to a sudden drop off. Then what? Fall off the cliff or turn around and make my way back down the hard path only to make it back to where I started having taken an absolutely un-necessary diversion.

Ugh. I wish I knew where the other path led and if its worth it to follow it. Mostly I wish I could just be content with the happy well lit path and continue on my merry way.

I want to scream at all of you!

People are really pissing me off lately. I have no idea why, they just are. I'm in no way a saint. Don't get me wrong. And I've certainly made some DUMB decisions, but lately I see people around me making the worst choices, doing the dumbest things and people being snarky at eachother about stupid stuff. So I'm sending this out into the universe to get it out of my head. And if you fall into one of the categories or one or more of my points offends you, I'm sorry. These are not directed at one person in particular. Each of these are things I've seen MULTIPLE people doing. But if you do fall into one of these categories.....lol

Dear Boys- Stop being man whores! There is more to life than who can bang the most chicks and how many drinks it takes before you're too drunk to play your Wii.

Dear Girls- Does sleeping with a guy with mere HOURS of meeting them make you a whore. No, I suppose not. But it sure is a whoreish thing to do.

Dear Purists- So what if you were a virgin until you got married?! Maybe you were a person with super-power values who waited for that "special" person. Or maybe you were just an insecure scared person who feared that level of intimacy. Plus most of you married at 19. So yeah, way to hold out.

Dear Newbies- Yes you may be "with" my friends. But honestly you won't be around long enough to make it worth my while to get to know you. And just because you are sleeping with them doesn't mean you know them and stop telling me how they are.

Dear Tag Chasers- There may be GI's dumb enough to marry you after 3 months but our friends aren't any of those guys. So go away.

Dear Deployment Spouses- Should you be sitting at home pining away? Of course not! But you also shouldn't be essentially dating other people while your s/o is gone. There is a level of intimacy that doesn't include sex and I think its emotional cheating. Don't talk to me about it because I don't agree with it. Not only for you and your marriages sake, but also for the people you are stringing along.

Dear Universe- I made a choice. I'm thankful for the things and places in my life that choice has brought me. Lately I've been wondering about the path the other choice would have taken me. I know where I would be and what I would have and I grieve for it. Please give me the peace of mind and contentment with the path I have chosen.

I seriously need a vacation from my freaking vacation. I haven't been this exhausted since Logan first appeared on the scene.

First of all, he's teetheing which is an adventure unto itself. Really, he isn't that bad. Just more fussy than normal. Which seems like a lot since he isn't a fussy baby at all. But since we got back from Seattle he has had a small persistent cough. I've been doing the vicks humidifier once during the day and then at night when he goes to bed but it doesn't seem to be helping any. And when I tell me mom about it this morning she says "Well, you know there is a huge outbreak of whooping cough here." HELLO!!!!???? I just left there. Would have been helpful to have that information sooner!! So now I have to take him to the dr first thing tomorrow morning because they are still closed today for the 4 day. Then take him back on Friday for his 6 mos check up. I think this poor kid is going to get a hundred shots this week and I feel so bad for him. To top it all off, I'm starting to get sick (hoping its just a cold and not the flu) and my wonderful period decided to show up after almost 3 months AWOL so I'm exhausted and cranky.

This is the longest week EVER!!!

I am so ready to go home and time is flat out crawling by.

I'm a bit apprehensive about how things are going to play out while we're at home though. I'm already getting flack from both sides of the family. Luckily for us Matt and I are from the same place. Interesting since he had 4 years into the Army when we met. But he happened to be stationed at a base back home and we were lucky enough to meet. So thankfully both our families are in the same place as well. Which means no arguing about whose family we are going to see when we go on vacation and which family we are going to skip out on. When we go home, we see everybody. Including people we don't care to see lol.

The down side of that is that everyone wants tons of time with us. When it was just Matt and I it wasn't too big of a deal. We split time between everyone but he could take off to his family for the day while I stayed with mine. Now that we have Logan, we have to make a very serious effort to split time equally because everyone wants to see and spend time with him. Since this is the first time so many people are meeting him, its even worse.

I'm flying home 4 days ahead of Matt. The second day I am home I am going with my mother in law to get our hair done. We go to the same hairstylist who is a long time family friend of hers. I'm taking Logan so she can spend some extra time with him and we'll get to girl chat too. Plus she has offered to take me clothes shopping for my xmas gift and since I can't wear any of my pre-Logan jeans we'll probably be doing that as well that day. My grandmother seems to think that I don't need to be going to spend time with Matt's mom before Matt gets into town. Um....hello???? What am I supposed to do, call her and tell her that her grandson is 30 minutes down the road but she'll have to wait until Saturday to see him because Matt isn't here? I don't think that will go over so well.

Ugh, really just want to get home, see my friends and relax for a couple weeks. With all the extra help with Logan it will be so nice to get to spend some time with my husband as opposed to Logan's dad.

Negative

So I'm not pregnant again. Which let me just say is the biggest relief of my life at this point.

The week before Thanksgiving AF should have arrived. It never did. I'm on the pill and take it very reguraly. But as any girl who has been late can tell you, its never a good feeling when you aren't trying to get pregnant.

We opted to basically ignore it until after Thanksgiving and then the home pregnancy test relay began. 3 negative tests over 6 days. But I never got a positive test even when I was pregnant so I still totally thought I was. At this point I was closing in on 3 weeks late. Never happened before. So yesterday I went in for the blood test and it was negative as well. Since the test can show a positive within 2 days of conception, there is no possible way I'm preggo as its been well beyond that since any possible conception date.

So my dr put me back on my bc pill and chalked it up to my body simply being cranky about going back on the pill after being pregnant and giving birth, then breastfeeding and not breastfeeding and all that jazz.

Glad that is over and done with. We aren't even agreed about whether we want another kid at all. And I'm certainly not certain about having another one now.

I feel like I'm in a glass case of emotion, as Ron Burgandy would say.

I have some things going in my life right now that are going to cause some serious decisions for both Matt and I to make. Thankfully we've talked about these things a bit and I think we're in agreement of the general direction we want to go. And we are both committed to talking thru those decisions thuroughly and coming to joint decisions. And to supporting eachother as those decisions play out. I just wish that life came with a map to our individual journey so that we wouldn't need to make these decisions and worry about where they will take us.

I Thought You Were Supposed to be Working??

Matt was supposed to be on CQ today. Which means he works 9am-9am. So when he left the house this morning at 830 I expected to not see him until tomorrow morning. Perhaps he'd be able to make it home for dinner tonight after Logan was in bed. But the guy he's supposed to be working with told him he had a ton of homework and studying to do so as long as Matt was back by 6 tonight, he could split for a while. So Matt walked back in the door at 1030am.

I was kind of glad he walked in the door as I was vaccuuming. I really think he thinks Logan and I just sit all cherry and happy on the couch or on the floor all day long while he's at work. Nice for him to see that house things still have to be done and Logan is cranky when he's late for a nap or a bottle.

I have to say I was really looking forward to Matt working all day today. There is something nice about a day on my own schedule and able to do whatever I want with fella. When he's around he's constantly asking what Logan needs. "Do you need to feed him, does he need to be changed? Isn't it time for him to eat soon?" Yes, d-bag, I've got this under control and I love how you ask me what I need to be doing for the kid lol. Plus with Thanksgiving, we've had 72 hours of football on TV and I just can't take anymore. I'm so glad that the season is just about over. I don't care about the stats or the players or anything else. Of course he walks in the door, changes out of his uniform and immediately picks up the remote and puts on Sportscenter. UGH!!! Thankfully he went to go sleep for a while since he will be up all night. Again, this means I can't get some of the housework done that I need to get done. Plus he's working nights all week so it means lots of daytime sleeping for him. Again, just getting in the way.

He should head back in the next couple hours and I'm just ordering chinese for dinner. No cooking for me. Even when he works nights I make dinner and stick the extra in the fridge for him when he gets home, but today he's not coming home so he's on his own for food :) Probably pack up the last of the turkey leftovers so that he can take that with him.