Working on an update about my trip home. However with toddler proofing the house and chasing this kid aroundits taking a while. I'll get it done though, I promise lol

Logan was up at 330 this morning. He wet himself and I had to get him changed into clean dry jammies and change the sheets in his crib. So by the time I had done all of that, he was up. No way he was going back to bed. So he was up until about 6, then I was able to get him back into bed. The whole morning I was just praying he would go back to bed so I could go back to bed. Of course now that he is back in bed....I'm wide awake. I laid down for 20 min to try to go back to sleep and there was just no way it was going to happen. You know that feeling of just not being able to get comfy no matter what you do? That was me. So here I sit, blogging at 630 in the morning and watching the season finale of Real Housewives of OC. Jealous of my sophistication are you?

I really should be making a list of everything I need to pack for my trip and a list of everything I need to get done. But I don't want to. Usually I'm packed and ready to go days ahead of time, but not this trip. I'm so not excited about it I can't even motivate myself to prepare for it. I'm ignoring it really at all costs. I know everyone is probably so sick of me talking about how much I don't want to go. And even a few people have told me to just not go if its that awful for me. Except that not going isn't really an option. If it was, I wouldn't be getting on a plane in 48hrs. My mom is graduating from Graduate Progam in Nursing from the University of Washington. A really big deal back home. Logan's first birthday is going to be a huge family affair. My in laws are beyond excited to see him and have all these plans and trips are on the itinerary. Plus my sister could probably use her older sister home right now. Not that I have any idea what the hell to say to her. Or how to help her deal with all of this. I don't even really know how I feel about it. I feel extreme pity but anger too. So I have to try very hard to not let my emotions or thoughts show. Just be as neutral as I can be. Which, for me, is very difficult. I'm not one to hide my feelings. Heaven forbid someone ask me. I'm really not that good of liar. How do I even begin to navigate my way around that?

So for now, I'm sitting on the couch at almost 7am, drinking coffee and have now moved on to watching Army Wives. And of course now I hear Logan stirring awake. Well.....ok then.

Bleh

My coffee is taking far too long to get done this morning.

I'm not in a very good mood today. I'm trying to turn it around before Matt gets up. If I don't our whole day is going to be pissy and frankly I'm too tired to deal with that right now.

Matt was supposed to get up with Fella this morning. My last chance to sleep in for the next few weeks. That didn't happen. He must have passed out while watching something last night because when we came down stairs this morning he was passed out on the couch. Then he went right upstairs to bed. Thanks. I keep telling myself I'm going to go take a nap when he does get up but even I know that won't happen. There are too many things I need to get done around here before I leave. I don't have time for a nap.

I really wish I married someone even remotely mechanical. He can't fix, build, or put anything together. I totally do all that stuff. My family is always telling me how great it is that I can do all that stuff. That I don't need a man around to do it for me. On the one hand, yes, it is great. I live a lifestyle that requires my husband be gone frequently so its beneficial that I am able to go into the tool box and get the job done. On the other hand, it gives Matt no motivation to do anything. He just tells me so I can go do it. I wish I knew how to do all that stuff but Matt didn't know it lol.

Also this is the 2nd day in a row I've gotten up and my phone has been messed with. matt's been texting with it. He hates his phone and needs a new one, but we are only a couple months away from our upgrades and he wants a super nice phone. That he is only going to destroy. So I refuse to pay for it right this moment when we can get it in just a couple months for almost next to nothing. So he's been using my phone to text back his soldiers and stuff. But then he erases all my text messages. Like I won't know he's been on it. It really irritates me for some reason. i think because I have my last phone still. It works perfectly fine, I just upgraded. I've told him to switch out the SIM and use it. "Its pink". Fine. I'll use it and you can use mine for the next couple months. "No. Thats dumb". Well than shut up about it! And stop using my phone!!

I'm really hoping this cold thing goes away before Wednesday. I really don't want to fly sick.

5 days until home

I am not looking forward to this trip home at all. I don't want to go. If it weren't for my in laws I honestly wouldn't be going. I would take the airline credit for my ticket and go on vacation somewhere else entirely. And I'm really upset that Matt isn't going to be coming home with me. Its great that he'll be meeting up with me there eventually, but 12 whole days of dealing with this catastrophe all alone....its not going to be pretty

Crazy will always be crazy

I really don't understand. Is there something wrong with me? Am I some crazy bitch who just doesn't know it? I would think that if I were that bad I wouldn't have the awesome friends that I do. I wouldn't probably have any friends at all. I wouldn't have a husband who adores me. I just don't get it.

Some of you may remember about 6 months ago a close friend of mine here seemingly dropped off the face of the planet. We had a conversation via email and she took something I said the wrong way and just stopped answering calls, texts, emails, deleted me from Facebook, the whole nine yards. I know that conversations via email there is no tone of voice, no afflection of the face so its easy to misconstrue something that is typed. So after a couple days I sent her an email saying I wasn't sure what had happened but that I was sorry if I offended her or made her upset in any way. But also that my feelings were hurt because she didn't speak to me about whatever it was. That I thought we were better friends than that and I certainly have no problem explaining myself or answering her if she comes to me with a problem. She emailed me back and we were fine. I had put on my Facebook page that I was hurt when a supposed friend just cut me off and didn't bother to come to me. The response was the same from many of my friends, wasn't the friend you thought she was, its fine you're better off without her and so on. Well I can only assume that she went back thru my Facebook page after we cleared the air and saw that posting from a few days before and dropped me again. Again with no word at all. So at that point I called it good and walked away.

That was in January. Now for some reason this girl has been in my head for the last couple weeks. I don't know why the universe put her in my head but it did. On Wednesday last week I found out. Matt came home and told me that her husband was the NCO who had been picked to go to Honduras for 6 months, leaving in July. Matt had been up for this trip for a while but was told he was too big of an asset to the shop to send. So they were going to send someone else from another section of the unit. I was not at all surprised when he told me that her husband had been picked because he is extremely reliable, a hard worker and very trustworthy. Also he and a senior NCO have been having some personality conflicts and getting them away from eachother was a priority. So after a couple days of thinking about it, I decided to reach out an olive branch to the girl. I figured this was why the universe had popped her into my brain. I know she doesn't have many friends here, she lives off post about 40 minutes so she isn't really connected to the community either. Also I figured she wouldn't be moving back home to Arkansas because she avoided even going home on leave. Her family and her in laws are not the greatest. I just thought it couldn't hurt to have another person available to help if she needed anything. I know 6 months is a long time to be apart from your spouse even if they aren't going into a war zone. She also has a 3 year old son so it never hurts to add to your support system.

Last Friday I sat down and wrote her an email. I just told her that I wasn't sure what had happened between us but that I was sorry for it and I wasn't interested it drudging it back up or talking about it. I just wanted to clear the air and let her know that I missed her friendship and was willing to start off fresh and anew if she was too. If not, that was fine too but that life on my end was calm and going fairly well and I hoped the same was true for her and her family. I got no response. Ok, guess thats my answer.

Then on Sunday or Monday morning I recieved a friend request from her on Facebook. I accepted. There was no direct interaction between us after that. Just friends on Facebook.

Yesterday I was having an epic battle with Tmobile. I got my email that my bill was ready to view so I went and looked at it. Normally a bill around $100 was suddenly over $200. It was listed as data charges. Matt and I don't have smart phones. No internet, no email, nothing. So I went and looked at our individual phone statments for downloading charges or something and nada. The only place these data charges were is in the final line of the bill. So I called Tmobile and spoke to them. They said they would look into it and call back within a couple hours. By the end of the day I still hadn't heard from them so I called back. This is of course after Matt got home and I filled him in on the billing issue. When I called Tmobile back I was given the good old transfer to 5 different people in 5 different departments. Nothing was accomplished. They are going to get back to me by the end of the week. Our bill isn't due for a couple more weeks so as long as it is fixed by then its fine. I really don't care. Matt however is furious. If I didn't pay attention to it or he had paid the bill it would have just been paid including the overcharge. He has no idea what the phone bill usually is and the bill is an automatic payment from our account so if I hadn't checked on it and stopped the auto pay, we would have just overpaid. He told me to file a complaint with them. I don't care enough to spend the energy and time to do that. They'll fix it and I'm not paying it so its not that big of a deal. Matt thinks it is. And he got me a little heated about it too after we discussed it further.

So I put a status on my Facebook: "Do I remain pissed in silence or do I say something. I don't really care enough to put forth the effort, but I feel like not saying anything makes them think they won." One of my friends asked who was in trouble and I responded that no one was in trouble. I just seriously dislike being dismissed and ignoring me won't make me go away. Then all hell broke loose.

This woman apparently assumed that I was talking about her or to her indirectly and commented "OMG!!! I knew it!!! What were you just being nosy trying to find out what I've been up to the last few months when you messaged me? Ignoring you may not make you go away but deleting and blocking you sure will. Grow up and get a life!!!".........HUH?

This remained on my page for over an hour until I saw it and promptly removed it. I was so embarassed that she would put something like that on there. Not everyone knows my history with this chick so I can only imagine what they thought when they saw that. My comfort came in the form of my friends who came riding to my rescue. Most of them calling her out on the inappropriateness of her comment and her ego level if she thinks something like that is directed towards her. Someone even asked her what she had done to feel so guilty about to cause her to be so defensive. Even after I removed it and simply stated that crazy will always be crazy, friends who hadn't seen the display and had no idea what was going on messaged me to ask if it was said girl being weird again. I love my friends.

I was sick for hours. I literally felt like I was going to be sick. I had to talk to Matt about it (and if you know Matt at all, he detests drama like this. He likes his life as simple as possible and wants nothing to do with it) in case her husband confronted him about it at work. I was also embarassed to tell him. I didn't want him thinking I went out of my way to start something with this woman. He of course knew I was just trying to be nice and said I just had a really big crazy attractor. He said if her husband approached him he would just explain she was talking about our phone company and if your wife took it different we were sorry but that wasn't his problem and he didn't want to be involved in it.

I just don't get it. Why would I go out of my way to apologize (again!) only to do something like this to her. One thing I have never been accused of is not being direct. I would never say anything about someone that I wouldn't say to them. If I was talking about her I certainly would have made it clear by putting her name or something. Why would I take the time to get her back on my Facebook page just to be passive aggressive about something. Don't you think I would want to make sure she saw it and knew it was about her??? Wouldn't I have just sent her a bitch email in the first place and not a nice one. Why set myself up for disaster if I wasn't genuine??

Then this morning I saw that she had unblocked me again. So I promptly got rid of her and blocked her on my end. As well as any friends she has here. I don't want to have any direct line to me at all. I guess I should have just stayed the bitch. I'll know better next time I guess.

The results are in

Looks like I have endomitriosis. I remember when I was around 17 my dr telling me that she thought I had some signs of it but couldn't be sure. I never had any issues so I forgot all about it.

I went to the GYN this week to get the results of my ultrasound and she told me that I indeed have it. The cysts on my ovaries are benign and nothing to worry about. The will eventually disolve. The problem is that as they disolve, reappear and then disolve again they are going to build scar tissue. And there is already a small amount of scar tissue in my uterus. Awesome. The dr seems to think that I had a minimal case before pregnancy, which would explain why it took 8 months to get pregnant with Logan even with all the charting and temping I was doing. But the hormones of pregnancy and post baby sent it into overdrive.

So she changed my bc pill to slow the progress. Apparently the pill I've been on since I was 16 is a tri-phasic and that is bad because its a different hormone level every week. Wacky hormones are bad. So she put me on a mono-phasic so I just have 1 hormone level all the time and that should slow it down. If we want another kid it needs to be sooner rather than later and I will likely need a hysterectomy by the age of 30. We're both pretty bummed about it. I don't want anymore kids at this point but Matt does. And neither of us are at all happy about the option being taken out of our hands. But we both agree that this is not a good time for another child at all. And we don't want to have one now just cuz we may not be able to later. Thats not smart or fair.

So for now Logan continues to be the center of our world.

I think I might have a few minutes to catch up on the blogging. Not that I really have much to blog about. Life is pretty routine and boring around here.

School sucks. Not in a difficult way, its actually pretty easy. Lots of reading and question answering. Which is why it sucks. At this point it isn't challenging me and is sooooo boring. Which in a way is probably a blessing because I don't really have time for anything that challenges me. I need things to be as simple as possible in life right now. Except I hate that. I've never ever liked things to be really easy. Challenge is the way you grow as a person and get to know the real you. If you never have to face a challenge you are never faced with having to be honest with yourself.

I think I have seasonal depression. Except backwards. Sun makes me sad. I hate it. I love rain. The sound, the cold, the smell. I love to walk in the rain. I live in the absolute wrong part of the country. We have 8 months of sun (and humid heat to boot) and the rainy season just happens to include the threat of sever tornados....so either way is not the best situation. I'm going home in about 3 weeks and I'm desperately hoping the constant rain they have continues after I get there. My luck the 3 weeks of summer they get a year will come early.

Ah my trip home. Can I tell you how much I am rapidly becoming more and more distressed about it. To the point that I really am not looking forward to it. At. All. First there are the irrational fears. If I see one more freaking story on the news about crazy people trying to pry the airplane doors open mid flight or the Air Traffic Controllers who fall asleep in the middle of their damn shift I am going to scream and swear off flying for the rest of my life. I do not need the vision of my son getting sucked out of a plane dancing through my head as I wait to board. The last time I flew with him I wasn't worried at all. So why does it bother me so much this time? Who knows. Motherhood is a constant evolution. Things that didn't bother me 6 months ago scare the crap out of me now. Things that I would have been 100% against as a parent 3 months ago are things I swear by now so maybe by the time I actually get on the damn plane I think its the greatest trip of a lifetime.

Now for the rational reason: I think my parents (mom and stepdad) are headed for divorce. And its going to come to head right about the time I come home. Great. Just how I wanted to spend my trip home. Family drama. They don't fight in a yelling and screaming kind of way. That would be easy to avoid. They fight without fighting. My mom says exactly what she's thinking, usually without tact or concern for his feelings, and then he gets pissy. Its that heaviness thats in the air when people are like that I can't stand. You feel nothing but gross tenseness. Ugh. What makes it worse is that my mom and I are best friends. So when she's mad at him about something she calls me. I know every detail of their relationship on a day to day basis and I don't like it. I am a firm believer in not discussing relationship issues with family. Sure I tell my mom when Matt does something dumb (like when he didn't talk to me for hours because he slept until after the hair cut place closed. And thought common sense meant that I should wake him up before they closed, even though I have no idea when they close. And I thought common sense was that he would set an alarm if he knew he needed to be up at a certain time....but whatever) but I would never tell her about something that was really an issue. Because then she knows all the details (and inevitably tells the rest of the family) and then after Matt and I work it out she still holds a grudge. Thats the way families work. You tell them the bad and they keep tally. I don't need that from them. Even worse is that Dave and I actually get along and have built a pretty good relationship and bond. So now what happens when they split up? Am I not supposed to talk to him anymore? Does he not get to be involved in my kid's life ever again? Its just too complicated.