Twitchy?

Do you ever feel like something is wrong but you can't put your finger on just what it might be?

For the last week I haven't gotten any sleep. I mean perhaps 90 minutes - 2 hours a night. I'm drowning in exhaustion. I've get into bed, I read my book (per usual) until my eyes get heavy and then I turn off the lights..........and nothing. I toss and turn. I can't seem to get comfortable, almost like I can feel my muscles contracting in protest of relaxation. Then my mind starts to race and I feel like I've forgotten something. I go over in my mind locking every door, turning on and off all the appropriate lights, checking the volume of the baby monitor. Then I physically get up and retrace my steps to make sure I actually did all the things I remember doing. Yep. I'm not crazy. Back to bed. Again my body won't ease. I know it isn't my bed. We just bought it less than a year ago and I went out and bought a super thick memory foam topper for it and its heaven. Like sleeping on a cloud.

The first night it happened it was extremely windy outside with thunderstorms rolling in and I knew it was supposed to be a pretty bad storm. Right before I went to bed we went under a tornado warning. As I lay in bed I could hear the wind gaining speed and could only think I hadn't cleaned out the closet downstairs that is our "tornado room" and the dog didn't have his collar on so how was I going to wrangle him with a kid in my arms. Then there was that feeling that something wasn't right. What I imagine it would feel like if you awoke in the darkness of your room and someone was there who shouldn't be. I actually called Matt at the shop to ask what time he thought he would be home because I knew I wasn't going to have any hope of sleep until he did. I have never called Matt at work. Not when his grandmother died, not when I was I was having a miscarriage, never. So I think he sensed I must have been really upset because he came home a little earlier than expected.

But even since then I can't seem to get in the groove of sleep. I just feel like this shoe somewhere out in the universe is about to drop on us. Nothing in our life is particularly stressful or strained. Just the everyday life of married couple with a baby. He is coming up on his re-enlistment and he is changing jobs and it leaves a lot of uncertainty in the somewhat near future, but thats military life. I accept it. I will go with the flow. Plan where I can and create plans B, C and D for the things I can't.

So why can't I sleep??

How invested are you?

I'm always telling Matt how evil technology is. I think it really robs people of living an actual life. Why go out and risk getting your heart hurt when you can hide behind a computer from the safety of your own living room? We're always talking about how technology has gone too far. We watched that Jeopardy special with the 2 best players in history playing against a computer. The idea that a machine can comprehend and think for itself really freaks me out. And honestly I wouldn't call a "Terminator" situation where machines turn on man out of the question.

Yet here I sit. Blogging. On the internet. I too have become sucked into the world of techy goodness. I have friends in real life. The really great ones are at home, but the ones here are tried and true as well. I have a social life that requires me to leave the house. Even when I most don't want to. But I also have internet friends. People I've never, and honestly 99% likely never will, lay on eyes on, share a cup of coffee with or have family dinners together. But at times I feel closer to this set of friends than any other.

Why?

And is that healthy?

I am a member of a military spouse forum. Have been now for about 3 years. Its given me an opportunity to get information I NEVER would have found on my own. Its given me a place to vent, cry and laugh about things. Its also caused me to become more affirmed of my views, morals and standards. Which has also led to more than one unnecessary headache. Nothing cements your views more than listening to someone of the complete opposite compus spout theirs let me tell you.

Anyway, I have a "friend" on this forum. In no other sense of the word than we post and reply to the same topics and questions on the forum and we are friends on Facebook. Thats it. We don't talk on the phone. I honestly don't know that I could tell you 100% for sure what part of the country she lives in without having to look it up first. The one thing I can tell you about her with certainty is that she wants to be a mother. And her and her husband have been having a great deal of difficulty achieving that goal in life. After a very long battle trying to concieve (which included mulitple mis-diagnosis of what the problem causing the difficulty in the first place was...gotta love these military docs :/ ) She informed us a few weeks ago she was pregnant. As I read those words on my computer screen I litterally yelped with joy out loud for her. To the point that Matt came into the room asking what I was so happy about. Because she is considered extremely high risk she went in for weekly ultrasounds. Every week I looked for her posting let me know there was a strong heart beat with us.

Then last week, a simple post letting me know that this week there was no heartbeat. My heart sank. How could this happen? After all it took to get that far....and then it was just a nevermind. I know that feeling of loss. I also know how it haunts you. The next pregnancy is a bit heavy with worry as you hope to just make it past the x week mark. Then everything will be ok and this is really real.

These thoughts are on my mind because today I open Facebook, and there under her name is pregnancy ticker announcing she is x weeks along and a brief discription of the babys development and growth. My first instict was to get rid of it for her. As if I could some how delete it from her profile from mine. Don't let her see it! Someone keep her busy until it falls far enough towards the bottom of the page that she won't notice!! But I can do nothing. I noticed about an hour later it was gone and I felt my eyes well. I knew she had seen it. I knew she had to feel the twinge of deleteing it from her own profile. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wanted to offer an ear to listen or a hand to hold. But I don't know her.

Then a little later in the day I flip open to Blogger.

I am not the greatest blogger. Not for lack of trying. I can't tell you how many topics I have on here hanging in the air because I've started them and then never finished. Usually because my brain gets the better of me and I think faster than I can type and need to walk away to quiet the storm. Then I never come back to it because the moments passed. But I do make it a point to check in every couple days with the blogs I follow. Today was one of those days.

I'm scrolling through and everything is looking pretty par for the course in Blogland. Lots of people starting to enjoy the warmer weather, new love blossoming and such.

Then I see it.

I'm dead.

What?! Why would someone write that? So I open the blog. I read a page of intense pain. I read the story of a life ending.

What happened? Is she ok? Someone check on her! Call someone! Who do I call??

It appears as though she is fine and resting in capable care. But that doesn't stop me from worrying and wanting to check in. To tell her I've felt her pain before and it will end. It hurts. In blinding way. Thats why she can't see the light at the end of her tunnel. But its there. And it is growing closer.

So how much do you care? And how much is too much?

Swirly Brain

Do you ever have those days where your mind is racing a hundred miles and hour but you don't know what about?

My head is crazy busy right now but its like its thinking about so many things at once that I couldn't tell you what even one of them is.

So perhaps I'll just randomly update on things and see if that calms the storm in my brain enough that I can get some sleep tonight.

ANDERSON- My sister Jessica had her second baby today. A little boy named Anderson Shin, a moose baby weighing in at 9lbs and 3oz. I can't belive my baby isn't the baby of the family anymore. Nor is he the only boy. Really he quit being the baby about 3 weeks after he was born as Matt's step brother and his wife had their second daughter then. But Logan was the only boy on either side until today. Kind of bummed he doesn't have that title anymore.

LOGAN- is exhausting. He's climbing on everything, assisted walking and speed crawling when he wants something he knows he isn't supposed to have. Its funny to see him because he totally registers the word "no" and absolutely knows what it means when I say it to him. That doesn't stop the wheels from turning in his little head though, and you can actually see him trying to work out how and if he can get what he isn't supposed to have without me noticing or caring. He "talks" all the time. I just know that first word is in there dying to come out. Though it will be the most hated word ever when it arrives because its all that will be said over and over and over again.

MATT- Still working nights. I truly cannot begin to describe how much I hate this shift he's on. He doesn't go to work until 5 pm. Then he's home roughly by 2 and since he can't go straight to sleep he's up watching tv or playing video games and generally unwinding until 5am. Which happens to be about the same time Logan gets up every morning. So I still have to get up at 5am, spend the day with Logan (trying to keep him relatively quiet) while Matt sleeps and then get him down into bed all alone. It really is like Matt isn't here anymore. Other than I still have dirty ACU's that need to be washed and a bathroom that is a constant disaster zone. June cannot come fast enough for me.

ME- School starts for me again in the next couple weeks which sounds like about the worst idea ever. I'm in no way shape or form feeling mentally prepared to get back on the college train. I really think that my problem mostly is that I'm changing direction (yet again) and its almost like starting over for me. Instead of getting ready to apply to nursing programs in the fall, I'm essentially only a year into a 4 year program. Awesome. It needs to be done. Seriously. I'm just not feeling very motivated to do it. I'm hoping once I get back into the world of college (and adults!!!) I'll find that passion I have for it again quickly and easily.

The Airborne Ball is on Saturday. We've secured a sitter for the evening and I'm looking forward to a night out with the hubby. Its the first time we'll be living Logan with a sitter so I'm a little nervous and with the sever attachment issue he's having with me right now I'm just hoping he doesn't spend the entire time crying and screaming. I'm having her come over about an hour early though so Logan can spend time with her with me in sight while we get ready. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow which will be an experience considering I've never shopped for or bought a formal gown before so I really haven't a clue where to go.

Decorating...or lack thereof

I want to decorate my house. I'm tired of it looking boring and empty. There are a few reasons however that I strongly hestitate doing anything at all to this place beyond hanging a few picture frames.

The first is the obvious, I live in military housing. This poses a few big issues for me: This place has to look as bland and stark when I leave as it did upon my entering. That is a lot of work. The second is that I don't know how much longer I'll be here and I don't want to spend all this time and money on something that will be here for less than 6 months and then need to be erased. Also no housing from Post to Post is even remotely the same. So if I decorate for this big 4 bedroom 2 story house what do I do with all the stuff when we move into our 2 bedroom quadplex at the next PCS?

The next is simply I have no effing clue what I'm doing. And certainly no earthly idea how to do it on a budget of any kind. I'm not artistic in any sense of the word. I don't know what looks good with what. I don't know the difference between a flat paint and a semi-gloss. I can't do anything beyond basic sewing really and I don't have much going for me in carpentar skills beyond the basics either.

I think at this point this house is a lost cause. With Matt getting ready to head off to re-class training by the end of the year we probably won't be here much beyond that so why start now something that I probably won't finish by the time we leave. But I can start to gather some sort of idea of what I want in the next home we have. At least vague themes for bedrooms and such.

Selfish?

I get that I married a career military man. I get that in this time, in this world, in this reality, his job is more often than not to literally get shot at and try to avoid the bullets. And if he should happen to miscalculate and catch one, his job becomes to survive so that he can get back out there and start trying to dodge the next round of bullets.

With these air strikes in Libya today it makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person.

I understand what the "objective" of all these wars were fighting are, but I wonder why us? Why does the United States always have to be the police force of the world? Why is it my husband and my brother's job to get shot at to make what seems like little to no impact?

I am constantly hearing military wives talk about how proud they are of their military spouse. I so see that pride in myself. My husband is a fantastic soldier. But I feel like he would be fantastic at any job that he really put effort in to. I don't need the military to validate my pride in my husband. I don't need the military to be proud of my brother. I've been proud of him and knew he was destined for bigger and better for a long time. Even when he and others didn't. I can say I have added pride for a man who signs up for a job at a time when he knows it will put him in harms way even when he doesn't believe in the fight or the cause.

These same wives who speak of pride are also quick to say they understand what their husbands are fighting for and if the soldier died they would feel the swell of pride that comes with someone giving their life for their country. Except with Matt, he didn't sign up to fight a war. He went off to basic in August 2001. He signed a contract that was null and void a mere days later and he was now bound to a different contract. One that could now be written in his blood and would literally put him in the depths of hell.

So I wonder, am I horrible person that I wouldn't feel that pride? That pride won't be there to teach my son to ride a bike, shave or go to prom. I'd be more than angry. I don't think Matts life would be a sacrifice for the greater cause, or for the safety of America. I would think it was another stolen life. Just like the other stolen moms, dads, husbands and wives of this war.

Matt has since enlisted more than once and is planning to do so again in the next few weeks. So he now signs a blood contract knowingly and willingly, but it is a blood contract none the less.

But again I ask, am I the only one who thinks its not worth it? There will always be terrorism. Whether its foriegn or domestic. There will always be someone out there who thinks it would be a good idea to hurt other people. Just like there will always be people willing to pay for it. You can't get rid of it. How many people have to die before you understand that all you are doing is moving it from one country to another? Its like having an ant hill in your back yard, you can go out and pour Borax on it to destroy it, but the ants will simply build another in your neighbors yard. And when they pour the Borax on they move right back under the fence to your yard again.

I may be the most selfish person ever. I may be considered unpatriotic. Though to me, there is nothing more un-patriotic than surrendering the lives of the future of this country to a lost cause.

I want to know where to send my letters if Matt ever doesn't make it home one day. I will send these letters I have, so they know he was a person with thoughts and feelings and a family he had dreams for and not just a soldier on a conveyer belt meant to complete the "mission" at all costs. I will send these original letters, handwritten and covered in dirt. Stained and a bit musty from being carried around in an ACU jacket in 119 degree heat for a day or two. Or smelling faintly of his aftershave because he remembers how I cried when I told him that the pillow doesn't smell like him anymore. Would it make a difference, probably not. But dammit I want him acknowledged as the man he is to me, and not just a name on a casualty report. Even if for just a breif moment.

Finally was able to get our taxes done this morning. After the computer break down and then the MyPay account issue that Matt was having he was finally able to access his account last night so I could print out his W-2. We are getting about double what I thought we were going to get and about $2000 more than I was hoping for. Of course all of it is going towards the down payment on our new car that we will be running out and buying as soon as the money is deposited into our bank account lol. Now I need to get Matt to get rolling on getting the car we want financed through USAA as I think they are going to be the best place for an interest rate. Unfortunately combined Matt and I don't have the worlds greatest credit so to finance thru the dealership would kick our butt I think. This would be a direct result of Matt having no credit essentially since joining the Army and having no bills to pay and my stupid mistakes as a 20 year old with no idea how to balance a check book having not come off my credit report yet. So we are putting down as much as we can and hoping for the best.

I'm really hoping that Lindsey can get away to do a Sam's and Walmart run with me on Tuesday. I need to get out of the house and I'm really tired of spending all my time alone. Even when Matt's home he's either sleeping or ignoring the world laying on the couch commanding the remote. Apparently days off for him means doing absolutely nothing. Wonder when I get a day off. One of these days I'm going to just leave for a few hours and leave him with the baby and maybe he'll get an idea of what its like to actual be a parent. He doesn't even know how to buckle him into the high chair for goodness sake. Really looking forward to Dave coming down in a couple weeks.