Decorating...or lack thereof

I want to decorate my house. I'm tired of it looking boring and empty. There are a few reasons however that I strongly hestitate doing anything at all to this place beyond hanging a few picture frames.

The first is the obvious, I live in military housing. This poses a few big issues for me: This place has to look as bland and stark when I leave as it did upon my entering. That is a lot of work. The second is that I don't know how much longer I'll be here and I don't want to spend all this time and money on something that will be here for less than 6 months and then need to be erased. Also no housing from Post to Post is even remotely the same. So if I decorate for this big 4 bedroom 2 story house what do I do with all the stuff when we move into our 2 bedroom quadplex at the next PCS?

The next is simply I have no effing clue what I'm doing. And certainly no earthly idea how to do it on a budget of any kind. I'm not artistic in any sense of the word. I don't know what looks good with what. I don't know the difference between a flat paint and a semi-gloss. I can't do anything beyond basic sewing really and I don't have much going for me in carpentar skills beyond the basics either.

I think at this point this house is a lost cause. With Matt getting ready to head off to re-class training by the end of the year we probably won't be here much beyond that so why start now something that I probably won't finish by the time we leave. But I can start to gather some sort of idea of what I want in the next home we have. At least vague themes for bedrooms and such.

Selfish?

I get that I married a career military man. I get that in this time, in this world, in this reality, his job is more often than not to literally get shot at and try to avoid the bullets. And if he should happen to miscalculate and catch one, his job becomes to survive so that he can get back out there and start trying to dodge the next round of bullets.

With these air strikes in Libya today it makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person.

I understand what the "objective" of all these wars were fighting are, but I wonder why us? Why does the United States always have to be the police force of the world? Why is it my husband and my brother's job to get shot at to make what seems like little to no impact?

I am constantly hearing military wives talk about how proud they are of their military spouse. I so see that pride in myself. My husband is a fantastic soldier. But I feel like he would be fantastic at any job that he really put effort in to. I don't need the military to validate my pride in my husband. I don't need the military to be proud of my brother. I've been proud of him and knew he was destined for bigger and better for a long time. Even when he and others didn't. I can say I have added pride for a man who signs up for a job at a time when he knows it will put him in harms way even when he doesn't believe in the fight or the cause.

These same wives who speak of pride are also quick to say they understand what their husbands are fighting for and if the soldier died they would feel the swell of pride that comes with someone giving their life for their country. Except with Matt, he didn't sign up to fight a war. He went off to basic in August 2001. He signed a contract that was null and void a mere days later and he was now bound to a different contract. One that could now be written in his blood and would literally put him in the depths of hell.

So I wonder, am I horrible person that I wouldn't feel that pride? That pride won't be there to teach my son to ride a bike, shave or go to prom. I'd be more than angry. I don't think Matts life would be a sacrifice for the greater cause, or for the safety of America. I would think it was another stolen life. Just like the other stolen moms, dads, husbands and wives of this war.

Matt has since enlisted more than once and is planning to do so again in the next few weeks. So he now signs a blood contract knowingly and willingly, but it is a blood contract none the less.

But again I ask, am I the only one who thinks its not worth it? There will always be terrorism. Whether its foriegn or domestic. There will always be someone out there who thinks it would be a good idea to hurt other people. Just like there will always be people willing to pay for it. You can't get rid of it. How many people have to die before you understand that all you are doing is moving it from one country to another? Its like having an ant hill in your back yard, you can go out and pour Borax on it to destroy it, but the ants will simply build another in your neighbors yard. And when they pour the Borax on they move right back under the fence to your yard again.

I may be the most selfish person ever. I may be considered unpatriotic. Though to me, there is nothing more un-patriotic than surrendering the lives of the future of this country to a lost cause.

I want to know where to send my letters if Matt ever doesn't make it home one day. I will send these letters I have, so they know he was a person with thoughts and feelings and a family he had dreams for and not just a soldier on a conveyer belt meant to complete the "mission" at all costs. I will send these original letters, handwritten and covered in dirt. Stained and a bit musty from being carried around in an ACU jacket in 119 degree heat for a day or two. Or smelling faintly of his aftershave because he remembers how I cried when I told him that the pillow doesn't smell like him anymore. Would it make a difference, probably not. But dammit I want him acknowledged as the man he is to me, and not just a name on a casualty report. Even if for just a breif moment.

Finally was able to get our taxes done this morning. After the computer break down and then the MyPay account issue that Matt was having he was finally able to access his account last night so I could print out his W-2. We are getting about double what I thought we were going to get and about $2000 more than I was hoping for. Of course all of it is going towards the down payment on our new car that we will be running out and buying as soon as the money is deposited into our bank account lol. Now I need to get Matt to get rolling on getting the car we want financed through USAA as I think they are going to be the best place for an interest rate. Unfortunately combined Matt and I don't have the worlds greatest credit so to finance thru the dealership would kick our butt I think. This would be a direct result of Matt having no credit essentially since joining the Army and having no bills to pay and my stupid mistakes as a 20 year old with no idea how to balance a check book having not come off my credit report yet. So we are putting down as much as we can and hoping for the best.

I'm really hoping that Lindsey can get away to do a Sam's and Walmart run with me on Tuesday. I need to get out of the house and I'm really tired of spending all my time alone. Even when Matt's home he's either sleeping or ignoring the world laying on the couch commanding the remote. Apparently days off for him means doing absolutely nothing. Wonder when I get a day off. One of these days I'm going to just leave for a few hours and leave him with the baby and maybe he'll get an idea of what its like to actual be a parent. He doesn't even know how to buckle him into the high chair for goodness sake. Really looking forward to Dave coming down in a couple weeks.

The correct way to ask

I had to have a sit down with Matt today and tell him that I really need him to help pick up the slack on the house work around here. Logan is up by 6am everyday and by the time he goes to bed at 7 I'm knocked out. He takes 2 one hour long naps throughout the day and honestly I would much rather sit and be in the quiet during that time than spend it cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom. But since Matt doesn't do any housework around here I end up burning out by the end of the day or staying up way too late to finish it all. I just had to tell him that I'm drowning. As much as I would love to be the super woman who can do everything all the time, or even the martyr who can pretend that I'm able to do it all own my own but I just can't anymore. I've spent the last 7 months chasing my tail and I'm just over it. So I came to him from a place of I need help instead of a place of you don't help which is the place that I usually come at him from. And wouldn't you know it worked. He's offered to clean the kitchen every night before he goes to bed which I honestly have to say is a tremendous help. So I'm really hoping that it helps and we'll see where we go from here.

What is going on with me

I really feel lost at the moment. I need a friend and a break desperately and neither of those things are something I have or am going to get here.

People are always talking about the miltary being this wonderfully supportive community but it is such a load of crap. Everyone is out for themselves. Period end of story. The wives are all about how they can make their husbands look better to the chain of command and how to best get him ahead. Mostly because they have no lives of their own and exsist thru him and what he can accomplish. And lets face it the majority of the miltary is young. We're talking just out of high school young and a bunch of 19-21 yr old girls getting together is always going to be nothing but a drama fest. I'm just feeling so defeated. Its just not worth it to make friends around here. Which sucks because when I moved I took that as the opportunity to cut out a lot of friends back home that weren't really worth having in the first place. So now I have maybe 3 friends who are really the people I lean on when I need to and they are 3500 miles away. I've got no one here. Other than Matt and he works a billion hours a week. So whats the point.

I feel like I've come to a standstill with school. I wanted to start going back Spring quarter but at this point I really don't think thats going to be workable. We can't afford the daycare for me to go on campus full time. Even if I picked up a part time job I wouldn't make enough to cover daycare. And if I worked enough to cover the daycare cost I wouldn't have time for classes let alone homework. I really shouldn't do online classes because lets face it, as the only person to entertain Logan and keep the house running during the day there is absolutely no way I'll not get distracted and let school fall to the side. I know myself better than that. Then theres the night school approach. But with Matts retarded schedule he's never off at a normal time. One day he's off at 3 and the next he's working until 10 with no warning whatever. So thats off the table. I just hate that my whole entire life has to come to a standstill because of his career. I mean I get it. He's in the Army and when you join the Army your job is #1. I knew that and I understand it but dammit if it doesn't piss me off from time to time.

My marriage isnt' in the best place at the moment either. I'm not packing my bags or anything. We're just having a great deal of trouble with communication for some reason lately. He's been working so much lately that he really isn't around and I'm unhappy for the last couple weeks. He either doesn't care or is completely oblivious. Either way, I'm pissed at him for it. I'm mad at him for not caring or I'm mad at him for not noticing. But really if he isn't here, how do I expect him to notice. Especially when I don't tell him. We need to talk about it and get everything out on the table but with the stress around here I know its going to start out as a fight and really I'm just too emotionally exhausted to fight right now.

Labels

Why do we feel the need to put labels on people in our society? Everyone in our life has to have a position. Worse is that we feel the need to label ourselves more than anyone else. Christian, Wife, Mother, Sister, Friend, Teacher, Homemaker, Bus Driver. Whatever the labels might be.

Why do I have to have a label? Why do I have to have a "best" friend rather than just a friend? Why do I have to be a Christian or Jew or Buddhist rather than just a spiritual person?

I think labels put us in a box. And when you have a label put on you, you become afraid to venture outside of that box. You become comfortable in your little space in the box and become content to remain without ever experiencing the rest of life. How do you know that you are a "this" if you've never tried being a "that"?